《安妮日记》第44章

this　house　for　at　least　six　months。
bep　is　still　in　isolation；　but　any　day　now　her　sister　will　no　longer　be　contagious。
for　christmas；　were　getting　extra　cooking　oil；　candy　and　molasses。　for　hanukkah；　mr。
dussel　gave　mrs。　van　daan　and　mother　a　beautiful　cake；　which　hed　asked　miep　to　bake。　on　top　of　all　the　work　she　has　to　do！　margot　and　i　received　a　brooch　made　out　of　a　penny；　all　bright　and　shiny。　i　cant　really　describe　it；　but　its　lovely。
i　also　have　a　christmas　present　for　miep　and　bep。　for　a　whole　month　ive　saved　up　the　sugar　i　put　on　my　hot　cereal；　and　mr。　kleiman　has　used　it　to　have　fondant　made。
the　weather　is　drizzly　and　overcast；　the　stove　stinks；　and　the　food　lies　heavily　on　our　stomachs；　producing　a　variety　of　rumbles。
the　war　is　at　an　impasse；　spirits　are　low。
yours；　anne　
friday；　december　24；　1943
dear　kitty；
as　ive　written　you　many　times　before；　moods　have　a　tendency　to　affect　us　quite　a　bit　here；　and　in　my　case　its　been　getting　worse　lately。　〃himmelhoch　jauchzend；　zu　tode　betrubt〃　＇　a　famous　line　from　goethe：　〃on　top　of　the　world；　or　in　the　depths　of　despair。〃＇　certainly　applies　to　me。　im　〃on　top　of　the　world〃　when　i　think　of　how　fortunate　we　are　and　pare　myself　to　other　jewish　children；　and　〃in　the　depths　of　despair〃　when；　for　example；　mrs。　kleiman　es　by　and　talks　about　jopies　hockey　club；　canoe　trips；　school　plays　and　afternoon　teas　with　friends。
i　dont　think　im　jealous　of　jopie；　but　i　long　to　have　a　really　good　time　for　once　and
to　laugh　so　hard　it　hurts。
were　stuck　in　this　house　like　lepers；　especially　during　winter　and　the　christmas　and　new　years　holidays。　actually；　i　shouldnt　even　be　writing　this；　since　it　makes　me　seem　so　ungrateful；　but　i　cant　keep　everything　to　myself；　so　ill　repeat　what　i　said　at　the　beginning：　〃paper　is　more　patient　than　people。”
whenever　someone　es　in　from　outside；　with　the　wind　in　their　clothes　and　the　cold　on　their　cheeks；　i　feel　like　burying　my　head　under　the　blankets　to　keep　from　thinking；　〃when　will　we　be　allowed　to　breathe　fresh　air　again？〃　i　cant　do　that　……　on　the　contrary；　i　have　to　hold　my　head　up　high　and　put　a　bold　face　on　things；　but　the　thoughts　keep　ing　anyway。　not　just　once；　but　over　and　over。
believe　me；　if　youve　been　shut　up　for　a　year　and　a　half；　it　can　get　to　be　too　much　for　you　sometimes。　but　feelings　cant　be　ignored；　no　matter　how　unjust　or　ungrateful　they　seem。　i　long　to　ride　a　bike；　dance；　whistle；　look　at　the　world；　feel　young　and　know　that　im　free；　and　yet　i　cant　let　it　show。　just　imagine　what　would　happen　if　all　eight　of　us　were　to　feel　sorry　for　ourselves　or　walk　around　with　the　discontent　clearly　visible　on　our　faces。　where　would　that　get　us？　i　sometimes　wonder　if　anyone　will　ever　understand　what　i　mean；　if　anyone　will　ever　overlook　my　ingratitude　and　not　worry　about　whether　or　not　im　jewish　and　merely　see　me　as　a　teenager　badly　in　need　of　some　good　plain　fun。　i　dont　know；　and　i　wouldnt　be　able　to　talk　about　it　with　anyone；　since　im　sure　id　start　to　cry。　crying　can　bring　relief；　as　long　as　you　dont　cry　alone。　despite　all　my　theories　and　efforts；　i　miss　……　every　day　and　every　hour　of　the　day　……　having　a　mother　who　understands　me。　thats　why　with　everything　i　do　and　write；　i　imagine　the　kind　of　mom　id　like　to　be　to　my　children　later　on。　the　kind　of　mom　who　doesnt　take　everything　people　say　too　seriously；　but　who　does　take　me　seriously。　i　find　it　difficult　to　describe　what　i　mean；　but　the　word　mom〃　says　it　all。
do　you　know　what　ive　e　up　with？　in　order　to　give　me　the　feeling　of　calling　my　mother　something　that　sounds　like　〃mom；〃　i　often　call　her〃　momsy。〃　sometimes　i　shorten　it　to　〃moms〃；　an　imperfect　〃mom。〃　i　wish　i　could　honor　her　by　removing　the　〃s。〃　its　a　good　thing　she　doesnt　realize　this；　since　it　would　only　make　her　unhappy。
well；　thats　enough　of　that。　my　writing　has　raised　me　somewhat　from　〃the　depths　of　despair。”
yours；　anne　
its　the　day　after　christmas；　and　i　cant　help　thinking　about　pim　and　the　story　he　told　me　this　time　last　year。　i　didnt　understand　the　meaning　of　his　words　then　as　well　as　i　do　now。　if　only　hed　bring　it　up　again；　i　might　be　able　to　show　him　i　understood　what
he　meant！
i　think　pim　told　me　because　he；　who　knows　the　〃intimate　secrets〃　of　so　many　others；　needed　to　express　his　own　feelings　for　once；　pim　never　talks　about　himself；　and　i　dont　think　margot　has　any　inkling　of　what　hes　been　through。　poor　pim；　he　cant　fool　me　into　thinking　hes　forgotten　that　girl。　he　never　will。　its　made　him　very　acmodating；　since　hes　not　blind　to　mothers　faults。　i　hope　im　going　to　be　a　little　like　him；　without　having　to　go　through　what　he　has！
anne　monday；　december　27；　1943
friday　evening；　for　the　first　time　in　my　life；　i　received　a　christmas　present。　mr。
kleiman；　mr。　kugler　and　the　girls　had　prepared　a　wonderful　surprise　for　us。　miep　made　a　delicious　christmas　cake　with　〃peace　1944〃　written　on　top；　and　bep　provided　a　batch　of　cookies　that　was　up　to　prewar　standards。
there　was　a　jar　of　yogurt　for　peter；　margot　and　me；　and　a　bottle　of　beer　for　each　of　the　adults。　and　once　again　everything　was　wrapped　so　nicely；　with　pretty　pictures　glued　to　the　packages。　for　the　rest；　the　holidays　passed　by　quickly　for　us。
anne　wednesday；　december　29；　1943
i　was　very　sad　again　last　night。　grandma　and　hanneli　came　to　me　once　more。
grandma；　oh；　my　sweet　grandma。　how　little　we　understood　what　she　suffered；　how　kind　she　always　was　and　what　an　interest　she　took　in　everything　that　concerned　us。
and　to　think　that　all　that　time　she　was　carefully　guarding　her　terrible　secret。 ＇annes　grandmother　was　terminally　ill。＇　grandma　was　always　so　loyal　and　good。　she　would　never　have　let　any　of　us　down。
whatever　happened；　no　matter　how　much　i　misbehaved；　grandma　always　stuck　up　for　me。　grandma；　did　you　love　me；　or　did　you　not　understand　me　either？　i　dont　know。
how　lonely　grandma　must　have　been；　in　spite　of　us。　you　can　be　lonely　even　when　youre　loved　by　many　people；　since　youre　still　not　bd〃di〃　any　0　y　s　one　an　only。
and　hanneli？　is　she　still　alive？　whats　she　doing？　dear　god；　watch　over　her　and　bring　her　back　to　us。　hanneli；　youre　a　reminder　of　what　my　fate　might　have　been。　i　keep　seeing　myself　in　yo