《安妮日记》第46章

sweetly　informed　me　that　they　were　going　downtown　to　buy　or　look　at　something；　i　dont　remember　what；　and　of　course　i　wanted　to　go　along。　but　they　said　i　couldnt　e　because　i　had　my　bike　with　me。　tears　of　rage　rushed　to　my　eyes；　and　margot　and　mother　began　laughing　at　me。　i　was　so　furious　that　i　stuck　my　tongue　out　at　them；　right　there　on　the　street。　a　little　old　lady　happened　to　be　passing　by；　and　she　looked　terribly　shocked。　i　rode　my　bike　home　and　must　have　cried　for　hours。　strangely　enough；　even　though　mother　has　wounded　me　thousands　of　times；　this　particular　wound　still　stings　whenever　i　think　of　how　angry　i　was。
i　find　it　difficult　to　confess　the　second　one　because　its　about　myself。　im　not　prudish；　kitty；　and　yet　every　time　they　give　a　blow…by…blow　account　of　their　trips　to　the
bathroom；　which　they　often　do；　my　whole　body　rises　in　revolt。
yesterday　i　read　an　article　on　blushing　by　sis　heyster。　it　was　as　if　shed　addressed　it　directly　to　me。　not　that　i　blush　easily；　but　the　rest　of　the　article　did　apply。　what　she　basically　says　is　that　during　puberty　girls　withdraw　into　themselves　and　begin　thinking　about　the　wondrous　changes　taking　place　in　their　bodies。　i　feel　that　too；　which　probably　accounts　for　my　recent　embarrassment　over　margot；　mother　and　father。　on　the　other　hand；　margot　is　a　lot　shyer　than　i　am；　and　yet　shes　not　in　the　least　embarrassed。
i　think　that　whats　happening　to　me　is　so　wonderful；　and　i　dont　just　mean　the　changes　taking　place　on　the　outside　of　my　body；　but　also　those　on　the　inside。　i　never　discuss　myself　or　any　of　these　things　with　others；　which　is　why　i　have　to　talk　about　them　to　myself。　whenever　i　get　my　period　（and　thats　only　been　three　times）；　i　have　the　feeling　that　in　spite　of　all　the　pain；　disfort　and　mess；　im　carrying　around　a　sweet　secret。　so　even　though　its　a　nuisance；　in　a　certain　way　im　always　looking　forward　to　the　time　when　ill　feel　that　secret　inside　me　once　again。
sis　heyster　also　writes　that　girls　my　age　feel　very　insecure　about　themselves　and　are　just　beginning　to　discover　that　theyre　individuals　with　their　own　ideas；　thoughts　and　habits。　id　just　turned　thirteen　when　i　came　here；　so　i　started　thinking　about　myself　and　realized　that　ive　bee　an　〃independent　person〃　sooner　than　most　girls。
sometimes　when　i　lie　in　bed　at　night　i　feel　a　terrible　urge　to　touch　my　breasts　and　listen　to　the　quiet；　steady　beating　of　my　heart。
unconsciously；　i　had　these　feelings　even　before　i　came　here。　once　when　i　was　spending　the　night　at　jacques；　i　could　no　longer　restrain　my　curiosity　about　her　body；　which　shed　always　hidden　from　me　and　which　id　never　seen。　i　asked　her　whether；　as　proof　of　our　friendiship；　we　could　touch　each　others　breasts。　jacque　refused。
i　also　had　a　terrible　desire　to　kiss　her；　which　i　did。　every　time　i　see　a　female　nude；　such　as　the　venus　in　my　art　history　book；　i　go　into　ecstasy。　sometimes　i　find　them　so　exquisite　i　have　to　struggle　to　hold　back　my　tears。　if　only　i　had　a　girlfriend！
thursday；　january　6；　1944
dearest　kitty；
my　longing　for　someone　to　talk　to　has　bee　so　unbearable　that　i　somehow　took　it　into　my　head　to　select　peter　for　this　role。　on　the　few　occasions　when　i　have　gone　to　peters　room　during　the　day；　ive　always　thought　it　was　nice　and　cozy。　but　peters　too
polite　to　show　someone　the　door　when　theyre　bothering　him；　so　ive　never　dared　to　stay　long。　ive　always　been　afraid　hed　think　i　was　a　pest。　ive　been　looking　for　an　excuse　to　linger　in　his　room　and　get　him　talking　without　his　noticing；　and　yesterday　i　got　my　chance。　peter；　you　see；　is　currently　going　through　a　crossword…puzzle　craze；　and　he　doesnt　do　anything　else　all　day。　i　was　helping　him；　and　we　soon　wound　up　sitting　across　from　each　other　at　his　table；　peter　on　the　chair　and　me　on　the　divan。
it　gave　me　a　wonderful　feeling　when　i　looked　into　his　dark　blue　eyes　and　saw　how　bashful　my　unexpected　visit　had　made　him。　i　could　read　his　innermost　thoughts；　and　in　his　face　i　saw　a　look　of　helplessness　and　uncertainty　as　to　how　to　behave；　and　at　the　same　time　a　flicker　of　awareness　of　his　masculinity。　i　saw　his　shyness；　and　i　melted。
i　wanted　to　say；　〃tell　me　about　yourself。　look　beneath　my　chatty　exterior。〃　but　i　found　that　it　was　easier　to　think　up　questions　than　to　ask　them。
the　evening　came　to　a　close；　and　nothing　happened；　except　that　i　told　him　about　the　article　on　blushing。　not　what　i　wrote　you；　of　course；　just　that　he　would　grow　more　secure　as　he　got　older。　“
that　night　i　lay　in　bed　and　cried　my　eyes　out；　all　the　i　while　making　sure　no　one　could　hear　me。　the　idea　that　i　had　to　beg　peter　for　favors　was　simply　revolting。　but　people　will　do　almost　anything　to　satisfy　their　longings；　take　me；　for　example；　ive　made　up　my　mind　to　visit　peter　more　often　and；　somehow；　get　him　to　talk　to　me。
you　mustnt　think　im　in　love　with　peter；　because　im　not。　if　the　van　daans　had　had　a　daughter　instead　of　a　son；　id　have　tried　to　make　friends　with　her。
this　morning　i　woke　up　just　before　seven　and　immediately　remembered　what　id　been　dreaming　about。　i　was　sitting　on　a　chair　and　across　from　me　was　peter。　。　。　peter　schiff。　we　were　looking　at　a　book　of　drawings　by　mary　bos。　the　dream　was　so　vivid　i　can　even　remember　some　of　the　drawings。　but　that　wasnt　all　……　the　dream　went　on。　peters　eyes　suddenly　met　mine；　and　i　stared　for　a　long　time　into　those　velvety　brown　eyes。　then　he　said　very　softly；　〃if　id　only　known；　id　have　e　to　you　long　ago！〃　i　turned　abruptly　away；　overe　by　emotion。　and　then　i　felt　a　soft；　oh…so…cool　and　gentle　cheek　against　mine；　and　it　felt　so　good；　so　good　。　。　。
at　that　point　i　woke　up；　still　feeling　his　cheek　against　mine　and　his　brown　eyes　staring　deep　into　my　heart；　so　deep　that　he　could　read　how　much　id　loved　him　and　how　much　i　still　do。　again　my　eyes　filled　with　tears；　and　i　was　sad　because　id　lost　him　once　more；　and　yet　at　the　same　time　glad　because　i　knew　with　certainty　that　peter　is　still　the　only　one　for　me。　
its　funny；　but　i　often　have　such　vivid　images　in　my　dreams。　one　night　i　saw　grammy　＇grammy　is　annes　grandmother　on　her　fathers　side；　and　grandma　her　grandmother　on　her　mothers　side。＇　so　clearly　that　i　could　even　make　out　her　skin　of　soft；　crinkly　velvet。　another　ti