《安妮日记》第59章

i　filled　the　day　with　chatter；　tried　to　draw　pim　closer　to　me　and　failed。　this　left　me　on　my　own　to　face　the　difficult　task　of　improving　myself　so　i　wouldnt　have　to　hear　their　reproaches；　because　they　made　me　so　despondent。
the　second　half　of　the　year　was　slightly　better。　i　became　a　teenager；　and　was　treated　more　like　a　grown…up。　i　began　to　think　about　things　and　to　write　stories；　finally　ing　to　the　conclusion　that　the　others　no　longer　had　anything　to　do　with　me。　they　had　no　right　to　swing　me　back　and　forth　like　a　pendulum　on　a　clock。　i　wanted　to　change　myself　in　my　own　way。　i　realized　i　could　man…　age　without　my　mother；　pletely　and　totally；　and　that　hurt。　but　what　affected　me　even　more　was　the
realization　that　i　was　never　going　to　be　able　to　confide　in　father。　i　didnt　trust　anyone　but　myself。
after　new　years　the　second　big　change　occurred：　my　dream；　through　which　i　discovered　my　longing　for　。　。　。　a　boy；　not　for　a　girlfriend；　but　for　a　boyfriend。　i　also　discovered　an　inner　happiness　underneath　my　superficial　and　cheerful　exterior。　from　time　to　time　i　was　quiet。　now　i　live　only　for　peter；　since　what　happens　to　me　in　the　future　depends　largely　on　him！
i　lie　in　bed　at　night；　after　ending　my　prayers　with　the　words　〃ich　janke　air　fur　all　das　cute　una　liebe　una　schone；〃　＇　thank　you；　god；　for　all　that　is　good　and　dear　and　beautiful。＇　and　im　filled　with　joy。　i　think　of　going　into　hiding；　my　health　and　my　whole　being　as　das　cute；　peters　love　（which　is　still　so　new　and　fragile　and　which　neither　of　us　dares　to　say　aloud）；　the　future；　happiness　and　love　as　das　liebe；　the　world；　nature　and　the　tremendous　beauty　of　everything；　all　that　splendor；　as　das　schone。
at　such　moments　i　dont　think　about　all　the　misery；　but　about　the　beauty　that　still　remains。　this　is　where　mother　and　i　differ　greatly。　her　advice　in　the　face　of　melancholy　is：　〃think　about　all　the　suffering　in　the　world　and　be　thankful　youre　not　part　of　it。〃　my　advice　is：　〃go　outside；　to　the　country；　enjoy　the　sun　and　all　nature　has　to　offer。　go　outside　and　try　to　recapture　the　happiness　within　yourself；　think　of　all　the　beauty　in　yourself　and　in　everything　around　you　and　be　happy。”
i　dont　think　mothers　advice　can　be　right；　because　what　are　you　supposed　to　do　if　you　bee　part　of　the　suffering？　youd　be　pletely　lost。　on　the　contrary；　beauty　remains；　even　in　misfortune。　if　you　just　look　for　it；　you　discover　more　and　more　happiness　and　regain　your　balance。　a　person　whos　happy　will　make　others　happy；　a　person　who　has　courage　and　faith　will　never　die　in　misery！
yours；　anne　
m。　frank
wednesday；　march　8；　1944
margot　and　i　have　been　writing　each　other　notes；　just　for　fun；　of　course。
anne：　its　strange；　but　i　can　only　remember　the　day　after　what　has　happened　the　night　before。　for　example；　i　suddenly　remembered　that　mr。　dussel　was　snoring　loudly　last　night。　（its　now　quarter　to　three　on　wednesday　af…　ternoon　and　mr。　dussel　is　snoring　again；　which　is　why　it　flashed　through　my　mind；　of　course。）　when　i　had　to　use　the　potty；　i　deliberately　made　more　noise　to　get　the　snoring　to　stop。
margot：　which　is　better；　the　snoring　or　the　gasping　for　air？
anne：　the　snorings　better；　because　it　stops　when　i　make　noise；　without　waking　the　person　in　question。
what　i　didnt　write　to　margot；　but　what　ill　confess　to　you；　dear　kitty；　is　that　ive　been　dreaming　of　peter　a　great　deal。　the　night　before　last　i　dreamed　i　was　skating　right　here　in　our　living　room　with　that　little　boy　from　the　apollo　ice…skating　rink；　he　was　with　his　sister；　the　girl　with　the　spindly　legs　who　always　wore　the　same　blue　dress。　i　introduced　myself；　overdoing　it　a　bit；　and　asked　him　his　name。　it　was　peter。
in　my　dream　i　wondered　just　how　many　peters　i　actually　knew！
then　i　dreamed　we　were　standing　in　peters　room；　facing　each　other　beside　the　stairs。
i　said　something　to　him；　he　gave　me　a　kiss；　but　replied　that　he　didnt　love　me　all　that　much　and　that　i　shouldnt　flirt。　in　a　desperate　and　pleading　voice　i　said；　〃im　not　flirting；　peter！”
when　i　woke　up；　i　was　glad　peter　hasnt　said　it　after　all。
last　night　i　dreamed　we　were　kissing　each　other；　but　peters　cheeks　were　very　disappointing：　they　werent　as　soft　as　they　looked。　they　were　more　like　fathers　cheeks　……　the　cheeks　of　a　man　who　already　shaves。
friday；　march　10；　1944
my　dearest　kitty；
the　proverb　〃misfortunes　never　e　singly〃　defi…　nitely　applies　to　today。　peter　just　got　through　saying　it。　let　me　tell　you　all　the　awful　things　that　have　happened　and　that　are　still　hanging　over　our　heads。
first；　miep　is　sick；　as　a　result　of　henk　and　aagjes　wedding　yesterday。　she　caught　cold　in　the　westerkerk；　where　the　service　was　held。　second；　mr。　kleiman　hasnt　returned　to　work　since　the　last　time　his　stomach　started　bleeding；　so　beps　been　left　to　hold　down　the　fort　alone。　third；　the　police　have　arrested　a　man　（whose　name　i　wont　put　in　writing）。　its　terrible　not　only　for　him；　but　for　us　as　well；　since　hes　been　supplying　us　with　potatoes；　butter　and　jam。　mr。　m。；　as　ill　call　him；　has　five　children　under　the　age　of　thirteen；　and　another　on　the　way。
last　night　we　had　another　little　scare：　we　were　in　the　middle　of　dinner　when　suddenly　someone　knocked　on　the　wall　next　door。　for　the　rest　of　the　evening　we　were　nervous　and　gloomy。
lately　i　havent　been　at　all　in　the　mood　to　write　down　whats　been　going　on　here。　ive　been　more　wrapped　up　in　myself。　dont　get　me　wrong；　im　terribly　upset　about　whats　happened　to　poor；　good…hearted　mr。　m。；　but　theres　not　much　room　for　him　in　my　diary。
tuesday；　wednesday　and　thursday　i　was　in　peters　room　from　four…thirty　to　five…fifteen。　we　worked　on　our　french　and　chatted　about　one　thing　and　another。　i　really　look　forward　to　that　hour　or　so　in　the　afternoon；　but　best　of　all　is　that　i　think　peters　just　as　pleased　to　see　me。
yours；　anne　
m。　frank
the　diary　of　a　young　girl　213　saturday；　march　11；　1944
dearest　kitty；
i　havent　been　able　to　sit　still　lately。　i　wander　up…　stairs　and　down　and　then　back　again。　i　like　talking　to　peter；　but　im　always　afraid　of　being　a　nuisance。　hes　told　me　a　bit　about　the　past；　about　his　parents　and　about　himself；　but　its　not　enough；　and　every　five　minutes　i　wonder　why　i　find　myself　longing