《No Country for Old Men》第57章

t　glass　of　tea　in　his　lap。　i　didnt　know　what　else　to　say　so　i　just　shut up　and　we　set　there　for　quite　some　time。　and　then　he　said；　and　he　didnt　look　at　me；　he just　looked　out　across　the　yard；　and　he　said：　he　was　the　best　rifleshot　i　ever　saw。　bar none。　i　didnt　know　what　to　say。　i　said：　yessir。
he　was　a　sniper　in　vietnam　you　know。
i　said　i　didnt　know　that。
he　was　not　in　no　drug　deals。
no　sir。　he　was　not。
he　nodded。　he　wasnt　raised　that　way；　he　said。
yessir。
was　you　in　the　war？
yes　i　was。　european　theatre。
he　nodded。　llewelyn　when　he　e　home　he　went　to　visit　several　families　of　buddies　of his　that　had　not　made　it　back。　he　give　it　up。　he　didnt　know　what　to　say　to　em。　he　said he　could　see　em　settin　there　lookin　at　him　and　wishin　he　was　dead。　you　could　see　it　in their　faces。　in　the　place　of　their　own　loved　one；　you　understand。
yessir。　i　can　understand　that。
i　can　too。　but　aside　from　that　theyd　all　done　things　over　there　that　theyd　just　as　soon left　over　there。　we　didnt　have　nothin　like　that　in　the　war。　or　very　little　of　it。　he　smacked the　tar　out　of　one　or　two　of　them　hippies。　spittin　on　him。　callin　him　a　babykiller。　a　lot of　them　boys　that　e　back；　theyre　still　havin　problems。　i　thought　it　was　because　they didnt　have　the　country　behind　em。　but　i　think　it　might　be　worse　than　that　even。　the country　they　did　have　was　in　pieces。　it　still　is。　it　wasnt　the　hippies　fault。　it　wasnt　the fault　of　them　boys　that　got　sent　over　there　neither。　eighteen；　nineteen　year　old。
he　turned　and　looked　at　me。　and　then　i　thought　he　looked　a　lot　older。　his　eyes　looked old。　he　said：　people　will　tell　you　it　was　vietnam　brought　this　country　to　its　knees。　but　i never　believed　that。　it　was　already　in　bad　shape。　vietnam　was　just　the　icin　on　the　cake。
we　didnt　have　nothin　to　give　to　em　to　take　over　there。　if　wed　sent　em　without　rifles　i dont　know　as　theyd　of　been　all　that　much　worse　off。　you　cant　go　to　war　like　that。　you cant　go　to　war　without　god。　i　dont　know　what　is　goin　to　happen　when　the　next　one es。　i　surely　dont。
and　that　was　pretty　much　all　that　was　said。　i　thanked　him　for　his　time。　the　next　day　was goin　to　be　my　last　day　in　the　office　and　i　had　a　good　deal　to　think　about。　i　drove　back　to i…10　along　the　back　roads。　drove　down　to　cherokee　and　took　501。　i　tried　to　put　things in　perspective　but　sometimes　youre　just　too　close　to　it。　its　a　lifes　work　to　see　yourself for　what　you　really　are　and　even　then　you　might　be　wrong。　and　that　is　somethin　i　dont want　to　be　wrong　about。　ive　thought　about　why　it　was　i　wanted　to　be　a　lawman。　there was　always　some　part　of　me　that　wanted　to　be　in　charge。　pretty　much　insisted　on　it。
wanted　people　to　listen　to　what　i　had　to　say。　but　there　was　apart　of　me　too　that　just wanted　to　pull　everbody　back　in　the　boat。　if　ive　tried　to　cultivate　anything　its　been　that。
i　think　we　are　all　of　us　ill　prepared　for　what　is　to　e　and　i　dont　care　what　shape　it takes。　and　whatever　es　my　guess　is　that　it　will　have　small　power　to　sustain　us。　these old　people　i　talk　to；　if　you　could　of　told　em　that　there　would　be　people　on　the　streets　of our　texas　towns　with　green　hair　and　bones　in　their　noses　speakin　a　language　they couldnt　even　understand；　well；　they　just　flat　out　wouldnt　of　believed　you。　but　what　if youd　of　told　em　it　was　their　own　grandchildren？　well；　all　of　that　is　signs　and　wonders but　it　dont　tell　you　how　it　got　that　way。　and　it　dont　tell　you　nothin　about　how　its　fixin　to get；　neither。　part　of　it　was　i　always　thought　i　could　at　least　someway　put　things　right and　i　guess　i　just　dont　feel　that　way　no　more。　i　dont　know　what　i　do　feel　like。　i　feel　like them　old　people　i　was　talkin　about。　which　aint　goin　to　get　better　neither。　im　bein　asked to　stand　for　somethin　that　i　dont　have　the　same　belief　in　it　i　once　did。　asked　to　believe　in somethin　i　might　not　hold　with　the　way　i　once　did。　thats　the　problem。　i　failed　at　it　even when　i　did。　now　ive　seen　it　held　to　the　light。　seen　any　number　of　believers　fall　away。
ive　been　forced　to　look　at　it　again　and　ive　been　forced　to　look　at　myself。　for　better　or for　worse　i　do　not　know。　i　dont　know　that　i　would　even　advise　you　to　throw　in　with　me； and　i　never　had　them　sorts　of　doubts　before。　if　im　wiser　in　the　ways　of　the　world　it e　at　a　price。　pretty　good　price　too。　when　i　told　her　i　was　quittin　she　at　first　didnt take　me　to　mean　it　literally　but　i　told　her　i　did　so　mean　it。　i　told　her　i　hoped　the　people of　this　county　would　have　better　sense　than　to　even　vote　for　me。　i　told　her　i　didnt　feel right　takin　their　money。　she　said　well　you　dont　mean　that　and　i　told　her　i　meant　it　ever word。　were　six　thousand　dollars　in　debt　over　this　job　too　and　i　dont　know　what　im goin　to　do　about　that　either。　well　we　just　set　there　for　a　time。　i　didnt　think　it　would　upset her　like　it　done。　finally　i　just　said：　loretta；　i　cant　do　it　no　more。　and　she　smiled　and she　said：　you　aim　to　quit　while　youre　ahead？　and　i　said　no　mam　i　just　aim　to　quit。　i aint　ahead　by　a　damn　sight。　i　never　will　be。　one　other　thing　and　then　ill　shut　up。　i would　just　as　soon　that　it　hadnt　of　got　told　but　they　put　it　in　the　papers。　i　went　up　to ozona　and　talked　to　the　district　attorney　up　there　and　they　said　i　could　talk　to　that mexicans　lawyer　if　i　wanted　and　maybe　testify　at　the　trial　but　that　was　all　they　would　do。
meanin　that　they　wouldnt　do　nothin。　so　i　wound　up　doin　that　and　of　course　it　didnt e　to　nothin　and　the　old　boy　got　the　death　penalty。　so　i　went　up　to　huntsville　to　see him　and　here　is　what　happened。　i　walked　in　there　and　set　down　and　he　of　course　knew who　i　was　as　he　had　seen　me　at　the　trial　and　all　and　he　said：　what　did　you　bring　me？
and　i　said　i　didnt　bring　him　nothin　and　he　said　well　he　thought　i　must　of　brung　him somethin。　some　candy　or　somethin。　said　he　figured　i　was　sweet　on　him。　i　looked　at　the guard　and　the　guard　looked　away。　i　looked　at　this　man。　mexican；　maybe　thirty…five； forty　year　old。　spoke　good　english。　i　said　to　him　that　i　didnt　e　up　there　to　be insulted　but　i　just　wanted　him　to　know　that　i　done　the　best　i　could　for　him　and　that　i　was sorry　because　i　didnt　think　he　done　it　and　he　just　rared　back　and　laughed　and　he　said： where　do