《Jane Eyre》第114章

m　the　meadow　beyond　it　made　me　look　up。　a　dog—old　carlo；　mr。　rivers’　pointer；　as　i　saw　in　a　moment—was　pushing　the　gate　with　his　nose；　and　st。　john　himself　leant　upon　it　with　folded　arms；　his　brow　knit；　his　gaze；　grave　almost　to　displeasure；　fixed　on　me。　i　asked　him　to　e　in。
“no；　i　cannot　stay；　i　have　only　brought　you　a　little　parcel　my　sisters　left　for　you。　i　think　it　contains　a　colour…box；　pencils；　and　paper。”
i　approached　to　take　it：　a　wele　gift　it　was。　he　examined　my　face；　i　thought；　with　austerity；　as　i　came　near：　the　traces　of　tears　were　doubtless　very　visible　upon　it。
“have　you　found　your　first　day’s　work　harder　than　you　expected？”　he　asked。
“oh；　no！　on　the　contrary；　i　think　in　time　i　shall　get　on　with　my　scholars　very　well。”
“but　perhaps　your　acmodations—your　cottage—your　furniture—have　disappointed　your　expectations？　they　are；　in　truth；　scanty　enough；　but—”　i　interrupted—
“my　cottage　is　clean　and　weather…proof；　my　furniture　sufficient　and　modious。　all　i　see　has　made　me　thankful；　not　despondent。　i　am　not　absolutely　such　a　fool　and　sensualist　as　to　regret　the　absence　of　a　carpet；　a　sofa；　and　silver　plate；　besides；　five　weeks　ago　i　had　nothing—i　was　an　outcast；　a　beggar；　a　vagrant；　now　i　have　acquaintance；　a　home；　a　business。　i　wonder　at　the　goodness　of　god；　the　generosity　of　my　friends；　the　bounty　of　my　lot。　i　do　not　repine。”
“but　you　feel　solitude　an　oppression？　the　little　house　there　behind　you　is　dark　and　empty。”
“i　have　hardly　had　time　yet　to　enjoy　a　sense　of　tranquillity；　much　less　to　grow　impatient　under　one　of　loneliness。”
“very　well；　i　hope　you　feel　the　content　you　express：　at　any　rate；　your　good　sense　will　tell　you　that　it　is　too　soon　yet　to　yield　to　the　vacillating　fears　of　lot’s　wife。　what　you　had　left　before　i　saw　you；　of　course　i　do　not　know；　but　i　counsel　you　to　resist　firmly　every　temptation　which　would　incline　you　to　look　back：　pursue　your　present　career　steadily；　for　some　months　at　least。”
“it　is　what　i　mean　to　do；”　i　answered。　st。　john　continued—
“it　is　hard　work　to　control　the　workings　of　inclination　and　turn　the　bent　of　nature；　but　that　it　may　be　done；　i　know　from　experience。　god　has　given　us；　in　a　measure；　the　power　to　make　our　own　fate；　and　when　our　energies　seem　to　demand　a　sustenance　they　cannot　get—when　our　will　strains　after　a　path　we　may　not　follow—we　need　neither　starve　from　inanition；　nor　stand　still　in　despair：　we　have　but　to　seek　another　nourishment　for　the　mind；　as　strong　as　the　forbidden　food　it　longed　to　taste—and　perhaps　purer；　and　to　hew　out　for　the　adventurous　foot　a　road　as　direct　and　broad　as　the　one　fortune　has　blocked　up　against　us；　if　rougher　than　it。
“a　year　ago　i　was　myself　intensely　miserable；　because　i　thought　i　had　made　a　mistake　in　entering　the　ministry：　its　uniform　duties　wearied　me　to　death。　i　burnt　for　the　more　active　life　of　the　world—for　the　more　exciting　toils　of　a　literary　career—for　the　destiny　of　an　artist；　author；　orator；　anything　rather　than　that　of　a　priest：　yes；　the　heart　of　a　politician；　of　a　soldier；　of　a　votary　of　glory；　a　lover　of　renown；　a　luster　after　power；　beat　under　my　curate’s　surplice。　i　considered；　my　life　was　so　wretched；　it　must　be　changed；　or　i　must　die。　after　a　season　of　darkness　and　struggling；　light　broke　and　relief　fell：　my　cramped　existence　all　at　once　spread　out　to　a　plain　without　bounds—my　powers　heard　a　call　from　heaven　to　rise；　gather　their　full　strength；　spread　their　wings；　and　mount　beyond　ken。　god　had　an　errand　for　me；　to　bear　which　afar；　to　deliver　it　well；　skill　and　strength；　courage　and　eloquence；　the　best　qualifications　of　soldier；　statesman；　and　orator；　were　all　needed：　for　these　all　centre　in　the　good　missionary。
“a　missionary　i　resolved　to　be。　from　that　moment　my　state　of　mind　changed；　the　fetters　dissolved　and　dropped　from　every　faculty；　leaving　nothing　of　bondage　but　its　galling　soreness—which　time　only　can　heal。　my　father；　indeed；　imposed　the　determination；　but　since　his　death；　i　have　not　a　legitimate　obstacle　to　contend　with；　some　affairs　settled；　a　successor　for　morton　provided；　an　entanglement　or　two　of　the　feelings　broken　through　or　cut　asunder—a　last　conflict　with　human　weakness；　in　which　i　know　i　shall　overe；　because　i　have　vowed　that　i　will　overe—and　i　leave　europe　for　the　east。”
he　said　this；　in　his　peculiar；　subdued；　yet　emphatic　voice；　looking；　when　he　had　ceased　speaking；　not　at　me；　but　at　the　setting　sun；　at　which　i　looked　too。　both　he　and　i　had　our　backs　towards　the　path　leading　up　the　field　to　the　wicket。　we　had　heard　no　step　on　that　grass…grown　track；　the　water　running　in　the　vale　was　the　one　lulling　sound　of　the　hour　and　scene；　we　might　well　then　start　when　a　gay　voice；　sweet　as　a　silver　bell；　exclaimed—
“good　evening；　mr。　rivers。　and　good　evening；　old　carlo。　your　dog　is　quicker　to　recognise　his　friends　than　you　are；　sir；　he　pricked　his　ears　and　wagged　his　tail　when　i　was　at　the　bottom　of　the　field；　and　you　have　your　back　towards　me　now。”
it　was　true。　though　mr。　rivers　had　started　at　the　first　of　those　musical　accents；　as　if　a　thunderbolt　had　split　a　cloud　over　his　head；　he　stood　yet；　at　the　close　of　the　sentence；　in　the　same　attitude　in　which　the　speaker　had　surprised　him—his　arm　resting　on　the　gate；　his　face　directed　towards　the　west。　he　turned　at　last；　with　measured　deliberation。　a　vision；　as　it　seemed　to　me；　had　risen　at　his　side。　there　appeared；　within　three　feet　of　him；　a　form　clad　in　pure　white—a　youthful；　graceful　form：　full；　yet　fine　in　contour；　and　when；　after　bending　to　caress　carlo；　it　lifted　up　its　head；　and　threw　back　a　long　veil；　there　bloomed　under　his　glance　a　face　of　perfect　beauty。　perfect　beauty　is　a　strong　expression；　but　i　do　not　retrace　or　qualify　it：　as　sweet　features　as　ever　the　temperate　clime　of　albion　moulded；　as　pure　hues　of　rose　and　lily　as　ever　her　humid　gales　and　vapoury　skies　generated　and　screened；　justified；　in　this　instance；　the　term。　no　charm　was　wanting；　no　defect　was　perceptible；　the　young　girl　had　regular　and　delicate　lineaments；　eyes　shaped　and　coloured　as　we　see　them　in　lovely　pictures；　large；　and　dark；　and　full；　the　long　and　shadowy　eyelash　which　encircles　a　fine　eye　wit