《Jane Eyre》第123章

such　being　the　case；　i　felt　not　a　little　surprised　when　he　raised　his　head　suddenly　from　the　desk　over　which　he　was　stooping；　and　said—
“you　see；　jane；　the　battle　is　fought　and　the　victory　won。”
startled　at　being　thus　addressed；　i　did　not　immediately　reply：　after　a　moment’s　hesitation　i　answered—
“but　are　you　sure　you　are　not　in　the　position　of　those　conquerors　whose　triumphs　have　cost　them　too　dear？　would　not　such　another　ruin　you？”
“i　think　not；　and　if　i　were；　it　does　not　much　signify；　i　shall　never　be　called　upon　to　contend　for　such　another。　the　event　of　the　conflict　is　decisive：　my　way　is　now　clear；　i　thank　god　for　it！”　so　saying；　he　returned　to　his　papers　and　his　silence。
as　our　mutual　happiness　（i。e。；　diana’s；　mary’s；　and　mine）　settled　into　a　quieter　character；　and　we　resumed　our　usual　habits　and　regular　studies；　st。　john　stayed　more　at　home：　he　sat　with　us　in　the　same　room；　sometimes　for　hours　together。　while　mary　drew；　diana　pursued　a　course　of　encyclopaedic　reading　she　had　（to　my　awe　and　amazement）　undertaken；　and　i　fagged　away　at　german；　he　pondered　a　mystic　lore　of　his　own：　that　of　some　eastern　tongue；　the　acquisition　of　which　he　thought　necessary　to　his　plans。
thus　engaged；　he　appeared；　sitting　in　his　own　recess；　quiet　and　absorbed　enough；　but　that　blue　eye　of　his　had　a　habit　of　leaving　the　outlandish…looking　grammar；　and　wandering　over；　and　sometimes　fixing　upon　us；　his　fellow…students；　with　a　curious　intensity　of　observation：　if　caught；　it　would　be　instantly　withdrawn；　yet　ever　and　anon；　it　returned　searchingly　to　our　table。　i　wondered　what　it　meant：　i　wondered；　too；　at　the　punctual　satisfaction　he　never　failed　to　exhibit　on　an　occasion　that　seemed　to　me　of　small　moment；　namely；　my　weekly　visit　to　morton　school；　and　still　more　was　i　puzzled　when；　if　the　day　was　unfavourable；　if　there　was　snow；　or　rain；　or　high　wind；　and　his　sisters　urged　me　not　to　go；　he　would　invariably　make　light　of　their　solicitude；　and　encourage　me　to　acplish　the　task　without　regard　to　the　elements。
“jane　is　not　such　a　weakling　as　you　would　make　her；”　he　would　say：　“she　can　bear　a　mountain　blast；　or　a　shower；　or　a　few　flakes　of　snow；　as　well　as　any　of　us。　her　constitution　is　both　sound　and　elastic；—better　calculated　to　endure　variations　of　climate　than　many　more　robust。”
and　when　i　returned；　sometimes　a　good　deal　tired；　and　not　a　little　weather…beaten；　i　never　dared　plain；　because　i　saw　that　to　murmur　would　be　to　vex　him：　on　all　occasions　fortitude　pleased　him；　the　reverse　was　a　special　annoyance。
one　afternoon；　however；　i　got　leave　to　stay　at　home；　because　i　really　had　a　cold。　his　sisters　were　gone　to　morton　in　my　stead：　i　sat　reading　schiller；　he；　deciphering　his　crabbed　oriental　scrolls。　as　i　exchanged　a　translation　for　an　exercise；　i　happened　to　look　his　way：　there　i　found　myself　under　the　influence　of　the　ever…watchful　blue　eye。　how　long　it　had　been　searching　me　through　and　through；　and　over　and　over；　i　cannot　tell：　so　keen　was　it；　and　yet　so　cold；　i　felt　for　the　moment　superstitious—as　if　i　were　sitting　in　the　room　with　something　uncanny。
“jane；　what　are　you　doing？”
“learning　german。”
“i　want　you　to　give　up　german　and　learn　hindostanee。”
“you　are　not　in　earnest？”
“in　such　earnest　that　i　must　have　it　so：　and　i　will　tell　you　why。”
he　then　went　on　to　explain　that　hindostanee　was　the　language　he　was　himself　at　present　studying；　that；　as　he　advanced；　he　was　apt　to　forget　the　mencement；　that　it　would　assist　him　greatly　to　have　a　pupil　with　whom　he　might　again　and　again　go　over　the　elements；　and　so　fix　them　thoroughly　in　his　mind；　that　his　choice　had　hovered　for　some　time　between　me　and　his　sisters；　but　that　he　had　fixed　on　me　because　he　saw　i　could　sit　at　a　task　the　longest　of　the　three。　would　i　do　him　this　favour？　i　should　not；　perhaps；　have　to　make　the　sacrifice　long；　as　it　wanted　now　barely　three　months　to　his　departure。
st。　john　was　not　a　man　to　be　lightly　refused：　you　felt　that　every　impression　made　on　him；　either　for　pain　or　pleasure；　was　deep…graved　and　permanent。　i　consented。　when　diana　and　mary　returned；　the　former　found　her　scholar　transferred　from　her　to　her　brother：　she　laughed；　and　both　she　and　mary　agreed　that　st。　john　should　never　have　persuaded　them　to　such　a　step。　he　answered　quietly—
“i　know　it。”
i　found　him　a　very　patient；　very　forbearing；　and　yet　an　exacting　master：　he　expected　me　to　do　a　great　deal；　and　when　i　fulfilled　his　expectations；　he；　in　his　own　way；　fully　testified　his　approbation。　by　degrees；　he　acquired　a　certain　influence　over　me　that　took　away　my　liberty　of　mind：　his　praise　and　notice　were　more　restraining　than　his　indifference。　i　could　no　longer　talk　or　laugh　freely　when　he　was　by；　because　a　tiresomely　importunate　instinct　reminded　me　that　vivacity　（at　least　in　me）　was　distasteful　to　him。　i　was　so　fully　aware　that　only　serious　moods　and　occupations　were　acceptable；　that　in　his　presence　every　effort　to　sustain　or　follow　any　other　became　vain：　i　fell　under　a　freezing　spell。　when　he　said　“go；”　i　went；　“e；”　i　came；　“do　this；”　i　did　it。　but　i　did　not　love　my　servitude：　i　wished；　many　a　time；　he　had　continued　to　neglect　me。
one　evening　when；　at　bedtime；　his　sisters　and　i　stood　round　him；　bidding　him　good…night；　he　kissed　each　of　them；　as　was　his　custom；　and；　as　was　equally　his　custom；　he　gave　me　his　hand。　diana；　who　chanced　to　be　in　a　frolicsome　humour　（she　was　not　painfully　controlled　by　his　will；　for　hers；　in　another　way；　was　as　strong）；　exclaimed—
“st。　john！　you　used　to　call　jane　your　third　sister；　but　you　don’t　treat　her　as　such：　you　should　kiss　her　too。”
she　pushed　me　towards　him。　i　thought　diana　very　provoking；　and　felt　unfortably　confused；　and　while　i　was　thus　thinking　and　feeling；　st。　john　bent　his　head；　his　greek　face　was　brought　to　a　level　with　mine；　his　eyes　questioned　my　eyes　piercingly—he　kissed　me。　there　are　no　such　things　as　marble　kisses　or　ice　kisses；　or　i　should　say　my　ecclesiastical　cousin’s　salute　belonged　to　one　of　these　classes；　but　there　may　be　experiment　kisses；　and　his　was　an　experiment　kiss。　when　given；　he　viewed　me　to　learn　the　result；　it　was　not　striking：　i　am　sure　i　did　not　blush；