《Jane Eyre》第136章

things　in　this　life。　god　give　you　strength　to　choose　that　better　part　which　shall　not　be　taken　from　you！”
he　laid　his　hand　on　my　head　as　he　uttered　the　last　words。　he　had　spoken　earnestly；　mildly：　his　look　was　not；　indeed；　that　of　a　lover　beholding　his　mistress；　but　it　was　that　of　a　pastor　recalling　his　wandering　sheep—or　better；　of　a　guardian　angel　watching　the　soul　for　which　he　is　responsible。　all　men　of　talent；　whether　they　be　men　of　feeling　or　not；　whether　they　be　zealots；　or　aspirants；　or　despots—provided　only　they　be　sincere—have　their　sublime　moments；　when　they　subdue　and　rule。　i　felt　veneration　for　st。　john—　veneration　so　strong　that　its　impetus　thrust　me　at　once　to　the　point　i　had　so　long　shunned。　i　was　tempted　to　cease　struggling　with　him—　to　rush　down　the　torrent　of　his　will　into　the　gulf　of　his　existence；　and　there　lose　my　own。　i　was　almost　as　hard　beset　by　him　now　as　i　had　been　once　before；　in　a　different　way；　by　another。　i　was　a　fool　both　times。　to　have　yielded　then　would　have　been　an　error　of　principle；　to　have　yielded　now　would　have　been　an　error　of　judgment。　so　i　think　at　this　hour；　when　i　look　back　to　the　crisis　through　the　quiet　medium　of　time：　i　was　unconscious　of　folly　at　the　instant。
i　stood　motionless　under　my　hierophant’s　touch。　my　refusals　were　forgotten—my　fears　overe—my　wrestlings　paralysed。　the　impossible—i。e。；　my　marriage　with　st。　john—was　fast　being　the　possible。　all　was　changing　utterly　with　a　sudden　sweep。　religion　called—angels　beckoned—god　manded—life　rolled　together　like　a　scroll—death’s　gates　opening；　showed　eternity　beyond：　it　seemed；　that　for　safety　and　bliss　there；　all　here　might　be　sacrificed　in　a　second。　the　dim　room　was　full　of　visions。
“could　you　decide　now？”　asked　the　missionary。　the　inquiry　was　put　in　gentle　tones：　he　drew　me　to　him　as　gently。　oh；　that　gentleness！　how　far　more　potent　is　it　than　force！　i　could　resist　st。　john’s　wrath：　i　grew　pliant　as　a　reed　under　his　kindness。　yet　i　knew　all　the　time；　if　i　yielded　now；　i　should　not　the　less　be　made　to　repent；　some　day；　of　my　former　rebellion。　his　nature　was　not　changed　by　one　hour　of　solemn　prayer：　it　was　only　elevated。
“i　could　decide　if　i　were　but　certain；”　i　answered：　“were　i　but　convinced　that　it　is　god’s　will　i　should　marry　you；　i　could　vow　to　marry　you　here　and　now—e　afterwards　what　would！”
“my　i　prayers　are　heard！”　ejaculated　st。　john。　he　pressed　his　hand　firmer　on　my　head；　as　if　he　claimed　me：　he　surrounded　me　with　his　arm；　almost　as　if　he　loved　me　（i　say　almost—i　knew　the　difference—　for　i　had　felt　what　it　was　to　be　loved；　but；　like　him；　i　had　now　put　love　out　of　the　question；　and　thought　only　of　duty）。　i　contended　with　my　inward　dimness　of　vision；　before　which　clouds　yet　rolled。　i　sincerely；　deeply；　fervently　longed　to　do　what　was　right；　and　only　that。　“show　me；　show　me　the　path！”　i　entreated　of　heaven。　i　was　excited　more　than　i　had　ever　been；　and　whether　what　followed　was　the　effect　of　excitement　the　reader　shall　judge。
all　the　house　was　still；　for　i　believe　all；　except　st。　john　and　myself；　were　now　retired　to　rest。　the　one　candle　was　dying　out：　the　room　was　full　of　moonlight。　my　heart　beat　fast　and　thick：　i　heard　its　throb。　suddenly　it　stood　still　to　an　inexpressible　feeling　that　thrilled　it　through；　and　passed　at　once　to　my　head　and　extremities。　the　feeling　was　not　like　an　electric　shock；　but　it　was　quite　as　sharp；　as　strange；　as　startling：　it　acted　on　my　senses　as　if　their　utmost　activity　hitherto　had　been　but　torpor；　from　which　they　were　now　summoned　and　forced　to　wake。　they　rose　expectant：　eye　and　ear　waited　while　the　flesh　quivered　on　my　bones。
“what　have　you　heard？　what　do　you　see？”　asked　st。　john。　i　saw　nothing；　but　i　heard　a　voice　somewhere　cry—
“jane！　jane！　jane！”—nothing　more。
“o　god！　what　is　it？”　i　gasped。
i　might　have　said；　“where　is　it？”　for　it　did　not　seem　in　the　room—　nor　in　the　house—nor　in　the　garden；　it　did　not　e　out　of　the　air—nor　from　under　the　earth—nor　from　overhead。　i　had　heard　it—　where；　or　whence；　for　ever　impossible　to　know！　and　it　was　the　voice　of　a　human　being—a　known；　loved；　well…remembered　voice—that　of　edward　fairfax　rochester；　and　it　spoke　in　pain　and　woe；　wildly；　eerily；　urgently。
“i　am　ing！”　i　cried。　“wait　for　me！　oh；　i　will　e！”　i　flew　to　the　door　and　looked　into　the　passage：　it　was　dark。　i　ran　out　into　the　garden：　it　was　void。
“where　are　you？”　i　exclaimed。
the　hills　beyond　marsh　glen　sent　the　answer　faintly　back—“where　are　you？”　i　listened。　the　wind　sighed　low　in　the　firs：　all　was　moorland　loneliness　and　midnight　hush。
“down　superstition！”　i　mented；　as　that　spectre　rose　up　black　by　the　black　yew　at　the　gate。　“this　is　not　thy　deception；　nor　thy　witchcraft：　it　is　the　work　of　nature。　she　was　roused；　and　did—no　miracle—but　her　best。”
i　broke　from　st。　john；　who　had　followed；　and　would　have　detained　me。　it　was　my　time　to　assume　ascendency。　my　powers　were　in　play　and　in　force。　i　told　him　to　forbear　question　or　remark；　i　desired　him　to　leave　me：　i　must　and　would　be　alone。　he　obeyed　at　once。　where　there　is　energy　to　mand　well　enough；　obedience　never　fails。　i　mounted　to　my　chamber；　locked　myself　in；　fell　on　my　knees；　and　prayed　in　my　way—a　different　way　to　st。　john’s；　but　effective　in　its　own　fashion。　i　seemed　to　penetrate　very　near　a　mighty　spirit；　and　my　soul　rushed　out　in　gratitude　at　his　feet。　i　rose　from　the　thanksgiving—took　a　resolve—and　lay　down；　unscared；　enlightened—　eager　but　for　the　daylight。
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Chapter　36
。小［说网｝
the　daylight　came。　i　rose　at　dawn。　i　busied　myself　for　an　hour　or　two　with　arranging　my　things　in　my　chamber；　drawers；　and　wardrobe；　in　the　order　wherein　i　should　wish　to　leave　them　during　a　brief　absence。　meantime；　i　heard　st。　john　quit　his　room。　he　stopped　at　my　door：　i　feared　he　would　knock—no；　but　a　slip　of　paper　was　passed　under　the　door。　i　took　it　up。　it　bore　these　words—
“you　left　me　too　suddenly　last　night。　had　you　stayed　but　a　little　longer；　you　would　have　laid　your　hand　on　the　christian’s　cross　and　the　angel’s　crown。　i　shall　expect　your　clear　decision　when　i　return　this　day　fortnight。　meantime；　watch　and　pray　that　you　enter　not