《The Thirteenth Tale》第101章

we　were　cut　off。
i　thought　of　the　policeman’s　telephone　number　on　the　piece　of　paper　in　my　bag　and　was　relieved。
we　arranged　that　i　would　stay　with　miss　winter　for　the　first　shift；　so　that　judith　could　go　to　emmeline’s　room　and　do　what　needed　to　be　done　there。　she　would　relieve　me　later；　when　miss　winter’s　next　medication　was　due。
it　was　going　to　be　a　long　night。
babyin　miss　winter’s　narrow　bed；　her　frame　was　marked　by　only　the　smallest　rise　and　fall　in　the　bedclothes。　warily　she　stole　each　breath；　as　though　she　expected　to　be　ambushed　at　any　minute。　the　light　from　the　lamp　sought　out　her　skeleton：　it　caught　her　pale　cheekbone　and　illuminated　the　white　arc　of　her　brow；　it　sank　her　eye　in　a　deep　pool　of　shadow。
over　the　back　of　my　chair　lay　a　gold　silk　shawl。　i　draped　it　over　the　shade　so　that　it　might　diffuse　the　light；　warm　it；　make　it　fall　less　brutally　upon　miss　winter’s　face。
quietly　i　sat；　quietly　i　watched；　and　when　she　spoke　i　barely　heard　her　whisper。
‘the　truth？　let　me　see…
the　words　drifted　from　her　lips　into　the　air；　they　hung　there　trembling；　then　found　their　way　and　began　their　journey。
i　was　not　kind　to　ambrose。　i　could　have　been。　in　another　world；　i　might　have　been。　it　wouldn’t　have　been　so　very　hard：　he　was　tall　and　strong　and　his　hair　was　gold　in　the　sun。　i　knew　he　liked　me　and　i　was　not　indifferent。　but　i　hardened　my　heart。　i　was　bound　to　emmeline。
‘am　i　not　good　enough　for　you？“　he　asked　me　one　day。　he　came　straight　out　with　it；　like　that。
i　pretended　not　to　hear；　but　he　insisted。　“if　i’m　not　good　enough；　you　tell　me　so　to　my　face！”
‘you　can’t　read；“　i　said；　”and　you　can’t　write！“　he　smiled。　took　my　pencil　from　the　kitchen　windowsill　and　began　to　scratch　letters　onto　a　piece　of　paper。　he　was　slow。　the　letters　were　uneven。　but　it　was　clear　enough。　ambrose。　he　wrote　his　name　and　when　he　had　done　it；　he　took　the　paper　and　held　it　out　to　show　me。
i　snatched　it　out　of　his　hand；　screwed　it　into　a　ball　and　tossed　it　to　the　floor。
he　stopped　ing　into　the　kitchen　for　his　tea　break。　i　drank　my　tea　in　the　missus’s　chair；　missing　my　cigarette；　while　i　listened　for　the　sound　of　his　step　or　the　ring　of　his　spade。　when　he　came　to　the　house　with　the　meat；　he　passed　the　bag　without　a　word；　eyes　averted；　face　frozen。　he　had　given　up。　later；　cleaning　the　kitchen；　i　came　across　the　piece　of　paper　with　his　name　on　it。　i　felt　ashamed　of　myself　and　put　the　paper　in　is　game　bag　hanging　behind　the　kitchen　door；　so　it　would　be　out　of　sight。
when　did　i　realize　emmeline　was　pregnant？　a　few　months　after　the　boy　stopped　ing　for　tea。　i　knew　it　before　she　knew　herself；　she　was　hardly　one　to　notice　the　changes　in　her　body；　or　to　realize　the　consciences。　i　questioned　her　about　ambrose。　it　was　hard　to　make　her　understand　the　sense　of　my　questions；　and　she　quite　failed　to　see　why　i　was　angry。　“he　was　so　sad”　was　all　she　would　tell　me。　“you　were　too　unkind。”　she　spoke　very　gently；　full　of　passion　for　the　boy；　velveting　her　reproach　for　me。　i　could　have　shaken　her。
‘you　do　realize　that　you’re　going　to　have　a　baby　now；　don’t　you？“　mild　astonishment　passed　across　her　face；　then　left　it　tranquil　as　before。　nothing；　it　seemed；　could　disturb　her　serenity。　i　dismissed　ambrose。　i　gave　him　his　pay　till　the　end　of　the　week　and　it　him　away。　i　didn’t　look　at　him　while　i　spoke　to　him。　i　didn’t　give　him　any　reasons。　he　didn’t　ask　any　questions。　”you　may　as　well　go　immediately；“　i　told　him；　but　that　wasn’t　his　way。　he　finished　the　row　of　planting　i　had　interrupted；　cleaned　the　tools　scrupulously；　the　way　john　had　taught　him；　and　put　them　back　in　the　garden　shed；　leaving　everything　neat　and　tidy。　then　he　knocked　at　the　kitchen　door。
‘what　will　you　do　for　meat？　do　you　know　how　to　kill　a　chicken　at　least？“
i　shook　my　head。
‘e　on。“
he　jerked　his　head　in　the　direction　of　the　pen；　and　i　followed　him。
‘don’t　waste　any　time；“　he　instructed　me。　”clean　and　quick　is　the　way。　no　second　thoughts。“
he　swooped　on　one　of　the　copper…feathered　birds　pecking　about　our　feet　and　held　its　body　firmly。　he　mimed　the　action　that　would　break　its　neck。　“see？”
i　nodded。
‘go　on　then。“
he　released　the　bird　and　it　flurried　to　the　ground　where　its　round　back　was　soon　indistinguishable　from　its　neighbors。
‘now？“
‘what　else　are　you　going　to　eat　tonight？“
the　sun　was　gleaming　on　the　feathers　of　the　hens　as　they　pecked　for　seeds。　i　reached　for　a　bird；　but　it　scuttled　away。　the　second　one　slipped　through　my　fingers　in　the　same　way。　grabbing　for　a　third；　this　time；　clumsily；　i　held　on　to　it。　it　squawked　and　tried　to　beat　its　wings　in　its　panic　to　escape；　and　i　wondered　how　the　boy　had　held　his　so　easily。　as　i　struggled　to　keep　it　still　under　my　arm　and　get　my　hands　around　its　neck　at　the　same　time；　i　felt　the　boy’s　severe　eye　upon　me。
‘clean　and　quick；“　he　reminded　me。　he　doubted　me；　i　could　tell　from　his　voice。
i　was　going　to　kill　the　bird。　i　had　decided　to　kill　the　bird。　so；　gripping　the　bird’s　neck；　i　squeezed。　but　my　hands　would　only　half　obey　me。　a　strangled　cry　of　alarm　flew　from　the　bird’s　throat；　and　for　a　second　i　hesitated。　with　a　muscular　twist　and　a　flap；　the　bird　slipped　from　under　my　arm。　it　was　only　because　i　was　struck　by　the　paralysis　of　panic　that　i　still　had　it　by　the　neck。　wings　beating；　claws　flailing　wildly　at　the　air；　almost　it　lurched　away　from　me。
swiftly；　powerfully；　the　boy　took　the　bird　out　of　my　grasp　and　in　a　single　movement　he　had　done　it。
he　held　the　body　out　to　me；　i　forced　myself　to　take　it。　warm；　heavy；　still。
the　sun　shone　on　his　hair　as　he　looked　at　me。　his　look　was　worse　than　the　claws；　worse　than　the　beating　wings。　worse　than　the　limp　body　in　my　hands。
without　a　word　he　turned　his　back　and　walked　away。
what　good　was　the　boy　to　me？　my　heart　was　not　mine　to　give；　it　belonged　to　another；　and　always　had。　i　loved　emmeline。
i　believe　that　emmeline　loved　me；　too。　only　she　loved　adeline　more。　it　is　a　painful　thing　to　love　a　twin。　when　adeline　was　there；　emmeline’s　heart　was　full。　she　had　no　need　of　me；　and　i　was　left　on　the　outside；　a　cast…off；　a　superfluity；　a　mere　observer　of　the　twins　and　their　twin