《未来千年文学备忘录》第32章

ieve　in　myself！　there　is　the　making　of　a　great　man　in　me！　never　mind；　gillette；　we　shall　be　rich　and　happy！　there　is　gold　at　the　tips　of　those　brushes……〃
he　broke　off　suddenly。　the　joy　faded　from　his　powerful　and　earnest　face　as　he　pared　his　vast　hopes　with　his　slender　resources。　the　walls　were　covered　with　sketches　in　chalk　on　sheets　of　mon　paper。　there　were　but　four　canvases　in　the　room。　colors　were　very　costly；　and　the　young　painters　palette　was　almost　bare。　yet　in　the　midst　of　his　poverty　he　possessed　and　was　conscious　of　the　possession　of　inexhaustible　treasures　of　the　heart；　of　a　devouring　genius　equal　to　all　the　tasks　that　lay　before　him。
he　had　been　brought　to　paris　by　a　nobleman　among　his　friends；　or　perchance　by　the　consciousness　of　his　powers；　and　in　paris　he　had　found　a　mistress；　one　of　those　noble　and　generous　souls　who　choose　to　suffer　by　a　great　mans　side；　who　share　his　struggles　and　strive　to　understand　his　fancies；　accepting　their　lot　of　poverty　and　love　as　bravely　and　dauntlessly　as　other　women　will　set　themselves　to　bear　the　burden　of　riches　and　make　a　parade　of　their　insensibility。　the　smile　that　stole　over　gillettes　lips　filled　the　garret　with　golden　light；　and　rivaled　the　brightness　of　the　sun　in　heaven。　the　sun；　moreover；　does　not　always　shine　in　heaven；　whereas　gillette　was　always　in　the　garret；　absorbed　in　her　passion；　occupied　by　poussins　happiness　and　sorrow；　consoling　the　genius　which　found　an　outlet　in　love　before　art　engrossed　it。
〃listen；　gillette。　e　here。〃
the　girl　obeyed　joyously；　and　sprang　upon　the　painters　knee。　hers　was　perfect　grace　and　beauty；　and　the　loveliness　of　spring；　she　was　adorned　with　all　luxuriant　fairness　of　outward　form；　lighted　up　by　the　glow　of　a　fair　soul　within。
〃oh！　god；〃　he　cried；　〃i　shall　never　dare　to　tell　her……〃
〃a　secret？〃　she　cried；　〃i　must　know　it！〃
poussin　was　absorbed　in　his　dreams。
〃do　tell　it　me！〃
〃gillette。。。　poor　beloved　heart！。。。〃
〃oh！　do　you　want　something　of　me？〃
〃yes。〃
〃if　you　wish　me　to　sit　once　more　for　you　as　i　did　the　other　day；〃　she　continued　with　playful　petulance；　〃i　will　never　consent　to　do　such　a　thing　again；　for　your　eyes　say　nothing　all　the　while。　you　do　not　think　of　me　at　all；　and　yet　you　look　at　me……〃
〃would　you　rather　have　me　draw　another　woman？〃
〃perhaps……if　she　were　very　ugly；〃　she　said。
〃well；〃　said　poussin　gravely；　〃and　if；　for　the　sake　of　my　fame　to　e；　if　to　make　me　a　great　painter；　you　must　sit　to　some　one　else？〃
〃you　may　try　me；〃　she　said；　〃you　know　quite　well　that　i　would　not。〃
poussins　head　sank　on　her　breast；　he　seemed　to　be　overpowered　by　some　intolerable　joy　or　sorrow。
〃listen；〃　she　cried；　plucking　at　the　sleeve　of　poussins　threadbare　doublet；　〃i　told　you；　nick；　that　i　would　lay　down　my　life　for　you；　but　i　never　promised　you　that　i　in　my　lifetime　would　lay　down　my　love。〃
〃your　love？〃　cried　the　young　artist。
〃if　i　showed　myself　thus　to　another；　you　would　love　me　no　longer；　and　i　should　feel　myself　unworthy　of　you。　obedience　to　your　fancies　was　a　natural　and　simple　thing；　was　it　not？　even　against　my　own　will；　i　am　glad　and　even　proud　to　do　thy　dear　will。　but　for　another；　out　upon　it！〃
〃forgive　me；　my　gillette；〃　said　the　painter；　falling　upon　his　knees；　〃i　would　rather　be　beloved　than　famous。　you　are　fairer　than　success　and　honors。　there；　fling　the　pencils　away；　and　burn　these　sketches！　i　have　made　a　mistake。　i　was　meant　to　love　and　not　to　paint。　perish　art　and　all　its　secrets！〃
gillette　looked　admiringly　at　him；　in　an　ecstasy　of　happiness！　she　was　triumphant；　she　felt　instinctively　that　art　was　laid　aside　for　her　sake；　and　flung　like　a　grain　of　incense　at　her　feet。
〃yet　he　is　only　an　old　man；〃　poussin　continued；　〃for　him　you　would　be　a　woman；　and　nothing　more。　you……so　perfect！〃
〃i　must　love　you　indeed！〃　she　cried；　ready　to　sacrifice　even　loves　scruples　to　the　lover　who　had　given　up　so　much　for　her　sake；　〃but　i　should　bring　about　my　own　ruin。　ah！　to　ruin　myself；　to　lose　everything　for　you！。。。　it　is　a　very　glorious　thought！　ah！　but　you　will　forget　me。　oh　i　what　evil　thought　is　this　that　has　e　to　you？〃
〃i　love　you；　and　yet　i　thought　of　it；〃　he　said；　with　something　like　remorse；　〃am　i　so　base　a　wretch？〃
〃let　us　consult　père　hardouin；〃　she　said。
〃no；　no！　let　it　be　a　secret　between　us。〃
〃very　well；　i　will　do　it。　but　you　must　not　be　there；〃　she　said。　〃stay　at　the　door　with　your　dagger　in　your　hand；　and　if　i　call；　rush　in　and　kill　the　painter。〃
poussin　forgot　everything　but　art。　he　held　gillette　tightly　in　his　arms。
〃he　loves　me　no　longer！〃　thought　gillette　when　she　was　alone。　she　repented　of　her　resolution　already。
but　to　these　misgivings　there　soon　succeeded　a　sharper　pain；　and　she　strove　to　banish　a　hideous　thought　that　arose　in　her　own　heart。　it　seemed　to　her　that　her　own　love　had　grown　less　already；　with　a　vague　suspicion　that　the　painter　had　fallen　somewhat　in　her　eyes。
ii……catherine　lescault
three　months　after　poussin　and　porbus　met；　the　latter　went　to　see　master　frenhofer。　the　old　man　had　fallen　a　victim　to　one　of　those　profound　and　spontaneous　fits　of　discouragement　that　are　caused；　according　to　medical　logicians；　by　indigestion；　flatulence；　fever；　or　enlargement　of　the　spleen；　or；　if　you　take　the　opinion　of　the　spiritualists；　by　the　imperfections　of　our　mortal　nature。　the　good　man　had　simply　overworked　himself　in　putting　the　finishing　touches　to　his　mysterious　picture。　he　was　lounging　in　a　huge　carved　oak　chair；　covered　with　black　leather；　and　did　not　change　his　listless　attitude；　but　glanced　at　porbus　like　a　man　who　has　settled　down　into　low　spirits。
〃well；　master；〃　said　porbus；　〃was　the　ultramarine　bad　that　you　sent　for　to　bruges？　is　the　new　white　difficult　to　grind？　is　the　oil　poor；　or　are　the　brushes　recalcitrant？〃
〃alas！〃　cried　the　old　man；　〃for　a　moment　i　thought　that　my　work　was　finished；　but　i　am　sure　that　i　am　mistaken　in　certain　details；　and　i　can　not　rest　until　i　have　cleared　my　doubts。　i　am　thinking　of　traveling。　i　am　going　to　turkey；　to　greece；　to　asia；　in　quest　of　a　model；　so　as　to　pare　my　picture　with　the　different　living　forms　of　nature。　perhaps；〃　and　a　smile　of　contentment　stole　over　his　face；　〃perhaps　i　have