《5 midnight sun午夜阳光》第62章

e　boredom；　but　because　I　wanted　to　dream。　Maybe；　if　I　could　be　unconscious；　if　I　could　dream；　I　could　live　for　a　few　hours　in　a　world　where　she　and　I　could　be　together。　She　dreamed　of　me。　I　wanted　to　dream　of　her。　She　stared　back　at　me；　her　expression　full　of　wonder。　I　could　not　dream　of　her。　She　should　not　dream　of　me。　I　had　to　look　away。　You　haven　t　asked　me　the　most　important　question　yet；　I　said；　my　silent　chest　colder　and　harder　than　before。　She　had　to　be　forced　to　understand。　At　some　point；　she　would　have　to　realize　what　she　was　doing　now。　She　must　be　made　to　see　that　this　all　did　matter　more　than　any　other　consideration。　Considerations　like　the　fact　that　I　loved　her。　Which　one　is　that？　she　asked；　surprised　and　unaware。　This　only　made　my　voice　harder。　Oh。　That。　You　aren　t　concerned　about　my　diet？　She　spoke　in　a　quiet　tone　that　I　couldn　t　interpret。　Don　t　you　want　to　know　if　I　drink　blood？　Finally。　She　was　understanding。　Yes；　that。　She　cringed　away　from　my　question。　Well；　Jacob　said　something　about　that；　she　said。　What　did　Jacob　say？　He　said　you　didn　t　hunt　people。　He　said　your　family　wasn　t　supposed　to　be　dangerous　because　you　only　hunted　animals。　He　said　we　weren　t　dangerous？　I　repeated　cynically。　Not　exactly；　she　clarified。　He　said　you　weren　t　supposed　to　be　dangerous。　the　Quileutes　still　didn　t　want　you　on　their　land；　just　in　case。　But　I　stared　at　the　road；　my　thoughts　in　a　hopeless　snarl；　my　throat　aching　with　the　familiar　fiery　thirst。　So；　was　he　right？　she　asked；　as　calmly　as　if　she　were　confirming　a　weather
report。　About　not　hunting　people？　The　Quileutes　have　a　long　memory。　She　nodded　to　herself；　thinking　hard。　Don　t　let　that　make　you　placent；　though；　I　said　quickly。　keep　their　distance　from　us。　We　are　still　dangerous。　I　don　t　understand。　No　she　didn　t。　How　to　make　her　see？　They　re　right　to　We　try；　I　told　her。　We　re　usually　very　good　at　what　we　do。　Sometimes　we　make　mistakes。　Me；　for　example；　allowing　myself　to　be　alone　with　you。　Her　scent　was　still　a　force　in　the　car。　I　was　growing　used　to　it；　I　could　almost　ignore　it；　but　there　was　no　denying　that　my　body　still　yearned　toward　her　for　the　wrong　reason。　My　mouth　was　swimming　with　venom。　This　is　a　mistake？　she　asked；　and　there　was　heartbreak　in　her　voice。　The　sound　of　it　disarmed　me。　She　wanted　to　be　with　me　despite　everything；　she　wanted　to　be　with　me。　Hope　swelled　again；　and　I　beat　it　back。　A　very　dangerous　one；　I　told　her　truthfully；　wishing　the　truth　could　really　somehow　cease　to　matter。　She　didn　t　respond　for　a　moment。　I　heard　her　breathing　change　it　hitched　in　strange　ways　that　did　not　sound　like　fear。　Tell　me　more；　she　said　suddenly；　her　voice　distorted　by　anguish。　I　examined　her　carefully。　She　was　in　pain。　How　had　I　allowed　this？　What　more　do　you　want　to　know？　I　asked；　trying　to　think　of　a　way　to　keep　her　from　hurting。　She　should　not　hurt。　I　couldn　t　let　her　be　hurt。　Tell　me　why　you　hunt　animals　instead　of　people；　she　said；　still　anguished。　Wasn　t　it　obvious？　Or　maybe　this　didn　t　matter　to　her　either。　I　don　t　want　to　be　a　monster；　I　muttered。　But　animals　aren　t　enough？　I　searched　for　another　parison；　a　way　that　she　could　understand。　I　can　t　be　sure；　of　course；　but　I　d　pare　it　to　living　on　tofu　and　soy　milk；　we　call　ourselves　vegetarians；　our　little　inside　joke。　It　doesn　t　pletely　satiate　the　hunger　or　rather　thirst。　But　it　keeps　us　strong　enough　to　resist。　Most　of　the　time。　My　voice　got　lower；　I　was　ashamed　of　danger　I　had　allowed　her　to　be　in。　Danger　I　continued　to　allow　Sometimes　it　s　more　difficult　than　others。　Is　it　very　difficult　for　you　now？
I　sighed。　admitted。　Of　course　she　would　ask　the　question　I　didn　t　want　to　answer。　Yes；　I　I　expected　her　physical　response　correctly　this　time：　her　breathing　held　steady；　her　heart　kept　its　even　pattern。　I　expected　it；　but　I　did　not　understand　it。　How　could　she　not　be　afraid？　But　you　re　not　hungry　now；　she　declared；　perfectly　sure　of　herself。　Why　do　you　think　that？　Your　eyes；　she　said；　her　tone　offhand。　I　told　you　I　had　a　theory。　I　ve　noticed　that　people　men　in　particular　are　crabbier　when　they　re　hungry。　I　chuckled　at　her　description：　crabby。　There　was　an　understatement。　But　she　was　dead　right；　as　usual。　You　are　observant；　aren　t　you？　I　laughed　again。　She　smiled　a　little；　the　crease　returning　between　her　eyes　as　if　she　were　concentrating　on　something。　Were　you　hunting　this　weekend；　with　Emmett？　she　asked　after　my　laugh　had　faded。　The　casual　way　she　spoke　was　as　fascinating　as　it　was　frustrating。　Could　she　really　accept　so　much　in　stride？　I　was　closer　to　shock　than　she　seemed　to　be。　Yes；　I　told　her；　and　then；　as　I　was　about　to　leave　it　at　that；　I　felt　the　same　urge　I　d　had　in　the　restaurant：　I　wanted　her　to　know　me。　I　didn　t　want　to　leave；　I　went　on　slowly；　but　it　was　necessary。　It　s　a　bit　easier　to　be　around　you　when　I　m　not　thirsty。　Why　didn　t　you　want　to　leave？　I　took　a　deep　breath；　and　then　turned　to　meet　her　gaze。　difficult　in　a　very　different　way。　This　kind　of　honesty　was　It　makes　me　anxious；　I　supposed　that　word　would　suffice；　though　it　wasn　t　strong　enough；　to　be　away　from　you。　I　wasn　t　joking　when　I　asked　you　to　try　not　to　fall　in　the　ocean　or　get　run　over　last　Thursday。　I　was　distracted　all　weekend；　worrying　about　you。　And　after　what　happened　tonight；　I　m　surprised　that　you　did　make　it　through　a　whole　weekend　unscathed。　Then　I　remembered　the　scrapes　on　her　palms。　Well；　not　totally　unscathed；　I　amended。　What？　Your　hands；　I　reminded　her。　She　sighed　and　grimaced。　I　fell。　I　d　guessed　right。　That　s　what　I　thought；　I　said；　unable　to　contain　my　smile。　I　suppose；　being　you；　it　could　have　been　much　worse　and　that　possibility　tormented　me　the　entire　time　I　was　away。　It　was　a　very　long　three　days。　I　really　got　on　Emmett　s　nerves。　Honestly；　that　didn　t　belong　in　the　past　tense。　I　was　probably　still　irritating　Emmett；　and　all　the　rest　of　my　family；　too。　Except　Alice　Three　days？　she　asked；　her　voice　suddenly　sharp。　today？　I　didn　t　understand　the　edge　in　her　voice。　Didn　t　you　just　get　back　No；　we　got　back　Sunday。
Then　why　weren　t　any　of　you　in　school？　she　demanded。　Her　irritation　confused　me。　She　didn　t　seem　to　realize　that　this　question　was　one　that　related　to　mythology　again。　Well；　you　asked　if　the　sun　hur