《首发偶发空缺 (临时空缺)》第138章

ou’ll　meet　someone　else。’
‘At　forty；’　sobbed　Mary；　‘with　four　children　…’
‘Plenty　of　men；’　he　began；　but　that　was　no　good；　he　would　rather　she　did　not　think　she　had　too　many　options。　‘The　right　man；’　he　corrected　himself；　‘won’t　care　that　you’ve　got　kids。　Anyway；　they’re　such　nice　kids　…　anyone　would　be　glad　to　take　them　on。’
‘Oh；　Gavin；　you’re　so　sweet；’　she　said；　dabbing　her　eyes　again。
He　put　his　arm　around　her；　and　she　did　not　shrug　it　off。　They　stood　without　speaking　while　she　blew　her　nose；　and　then　he　felt　her　tense　to　move　away；　and　he　said；　‘Mary　…’
‘What？’
‘I’ve　got　to　–　Mary；　I　think　I’m　in　love　with　you。’
He　knew　for　a　few　seconds　the　glorious　pride　of　the　skydiver　who　pushes　off　firm　floor　into　limitless　space。
Then　she　pulled　away。
‘Gavin。　I—’
‘I’m　sorry；’　he　said；　observing　with　alarm　her　repulsed　expression。　‘I　wanted　you　to　hear　it　from　me。　I　told　Kay　that’s　why　I　wanted　to　split　up；　and　I　was　scared　you’d　hear　it　from　someone　else。　I　wouldn’t　have　said　anything　for　months。　Years；’　he　added；　trying　to　bring　back　her　smile　and　the　mood　in　which　she　found　him　sweet。
But　Mary　was　shaking　her　head；　arms　folded　over　her　thin　chest。
‘Gavin；　I　never；　ever—’
‘Forget　I　said　anything；’　he　said　foolishly。　‘Let’s　just　forget　it。’
‘I　thought　you　understood；’　she　said。
He　gathered　that　he　should　have　known　that　she　was　encased　in　the　invisible　armour　of　grief；　and　that　it　ought　to　have　protected　her。
‘I　do　understand；’　he　lied。　‘I　wouldn’t　have　told　you；　only—’
‘Barry　always　said　you　fancied　me；’　said　Mary。
‘I　didn’t；’　he　said　frantically。
‘Gavin；　I　think　you’re　such　a　nice　man；’　she　said　breathlessly。　‘But　I　don’t　–　I　mean；　even　if—’
‘No；’　he　said　loudly；　trying　to　drown　her　out。　‘I　understand。　Listen；　I’m　going　to　go。’
‘There’s　no　need　…’
But　he　almost　hated　her　now。　He　had　heard　what　she　was　trying　to　say：　even　if　I　weren’t　grieving　for　my　husband；　I　wouldn’t　want　you。
His　visit　had　been　so　brief　that　when　Mary；　slightly　shaky；　poured　away　his　coffee　it　was　still　hot。
XI
Howard　had　told　Shirley　that　he　did　not　feel　well；　that　he　thought　he　had　better　stay　in　bed　and　rest；　and　that　the　Copper　Kettle　could　run　without　him　for　an　afternoon。
‘I’ll　call　Mo；’　he　said。
‘No；　I’ll　call　her；’　said　Shirley　sharply。
As　she　closed　the　bedroom　door　on　him；　Shirley　thought；　He’s　using　his　heart。
He　had　said；　‘Don’t　be　silly；　Shirl’；　and　then；　‘It’s　rubbish；　bloody　rubbish’；　and　she　had　not　pressed　him。　Years　of　genteel　avoidance　of　grisly　topics　（Shirley　had　been　literally　struck　dumb　when　twenty…three…year…old　Patricia　had　said：　‘I’m　gay；　Mum。’）　seemed　to　have　muzzled　something　inside　her。
The　doorbell　rang。　Lexie　said；　‘Dad　told　me　to　e　round　here。　He　and　Mum　have　got　something　to　do。　Where’s　Grandad？’
‘In　bed；’　said　Shirley。　‘He　overdid　it　a　bit　last　night。’
‘It　was　a　good　party；　wasn’t　it？’　said　Lexie。
‘Yes；　lovely；’　said　Shirley；　with　a　tempest　building　inside　her。
After　a　while；　her　granddaughter’s　prattling　wore　Shirley　down。
‘Let’s　have　lunch　at　the　café；’　she　suggested。　‘Howard；’　she　called　through　the　closed　bedroom　door；　‘I’m　taking　Lexie　for　lunch　at　the　Copper　Kettle。’
He　sounded　worried；　and　she　was　glad。　She　was　not　afraid　of　Maureen。　She　would　look　Maureen　right　in　the　face　…
But　it　occurred　to　Shirley；　as　she　walked；　that　Howard　might　have　telephoned　Maureen　the　moment　she　had　left　the　bungalow。　She　was　so　stupid　…　somehow；　she　had　thought　that；　in　calling　Maureen　herself　about　Howard’s　illness；　she　had　stopped　them　municating　…　she　was　forgetting　…
The　familiar；　well…loved　streets　seemed　different；　strange。　She　had　taken　a　regular　inventory　of　the　window　she　presented　to　this　lovely　little　world：　wife　and　mother；　hospital　volunteer；　secretary　to　the　Parish　Council；　First　Citizeness；　and　Pagford　had　been　her　mirror；　reflecting；　in　its　polite　respect；　her　value　and　her　worth。　But　the　Ghost　had　taken　a　rubber　stamp　and　smeared　across　the　pristine　surface　of　her　life　a　revelation　that　would　nullify　it　all：　‘her　husband　was　sleeping　with　his　business　partner；　and　she　never　knew　…’
It　would　be　all　that　anyone　said；　when　she　was　mentioned；　all　that　they　ever　remembered　about　her。
She　pushed　open　the　door　of　the　café；　the　bell　tinkled；　and　Lexie　said；　‘There’s　Peanut　Price。’
‘Howard　all　right？’　croaked　Maureen。
‘Just　tired；’　said　Shirley；　moving　smoothly　to　a　table　and　sitting　down；　her　heart　beating　so　fast　that　she　wondered　whether　she　might　have　a　coronary　herself。
‘Tell　him　neither　of　the　girls　has　turned　up；’　said　Maureen　crossly；　lingering　by　their　table；　‘and　neither　of　them　bothered　to　call　in　either。　It’s　lucky　we’re　not　busy。’
Lexie　went　to　the　counter　to　talk　to　Andrew；　who　had　been　put　on　waiter　duty。　Conscious　of　her　unusual　solitude；　as　she　sat　alone　at　the　table；　Shirley　remembered　Mary　Fairbrother；　erect　and　gaunt　at　Barry’s　funeral；　widowhood　draped　around　her　like　a　queen’s　train；　the　pity；　the　admiration。　In　losing　her　husband；　Mary　had　bee　the　silent　passive　recipient　of　admiration；　whereas　she；　shackled　to　a　man　who　had　betrayed　her；　was　cloaked　in　grubbiness；　a　target　of　derision　…
（Long　ago；　in　Yarvil；　men　had　subjected　Shirley　to　smutty　jokes　because　of　her　mother’s　reputation；　even　though　she；　Shirley；　had　been　as　pure　as　it　was　possible　to　be。）
‘Grandad’s　feeling　ill；’　Lexie　was　telling　Andrew。　‘What’s　in　those　cakes？’
He　bent　down　behind　the　counter；　hiding　his　red　face。
I　snogged　your　mum。
Andrew　had　almost　skived　off　work。　He　had　been　afraid　that　Howard　might　sack　him　on　the　spot　for　kissing　his　daughter…in…law；　and　was　downright　terrified　that　Miles　Mollison　might　storm　in；　looking　for　him。　At　the　same　time；　he　was　not　so　naive　that　he　did　not　know　that　Samantha；　who　must；　he　thought　ruthlessly；　be　well　over　forty；　would　figure　as　the　villain　of　the　piece。　His　defence　was　simple。　‘She　was　pissed　and　she　grabbed　me。’
There　was　a　tiny　glimmer　of　pride　in　his　embarrassment。　He　had　been　anxious　to　see　Gai