《安妮日记》第53章

others　too。　after　restraining　himself　for　half　an　hour；　peter　asked　somewhat　irritably　if　he　would　stop　fiddling　with　the　radio。　dussel　replied　in　his　haughtiest　tone；　〃ich　mach　das　schon！〃　＇ill　decide　that。＇　peter　got　angry　and　made　an　insolent　remark。　mr。　van　daan　sided　with　him；　and　dussel　had　to　back　down。　that　was　it。
the　reason　for　the　disagreement　wasnt　particularly　interesting　in　and　of　itself；　but　peter　has　apparently　taken　the　matter　very　much　to　heart；　because　this　morning；　when　i　was　rummaging　around　in　the　crate　of　books　in　the　attic；　peter　came　up　and　began　telling　me　what　had　happened。　i　didnt　know　anything　about　it；　but　peter　soon　realized　hed　found　an　attentive　listener　and　started　warming　up　to　his　subject。
〃well；　its　like　this；〃　he　said。　〃i　dont　usually　talk　much；　since　i　know　beforehand　ill　just　be　tongue…tied。　i　start　stuttering　and　blushing　and　i　twist　my　words　around　so　much　i　finally　have　to　stop；　because　i　cant　find　the　right　words。　thats　what　happened　yesterday。　i　meant　to　say　something　entirely　different；　but　once　i　started；　i　got　all　mixed　up。　its　awful。　i　used　to　have　a　bad　habit；　and　sometimes　i　wish　i　still　did：
whenever　i　was　mad　at　someone；　id　beat　them　up　instead　of　arguing　with　them。　i　know　this　method　wont　get　me　anywhere；　and　thats　why　i　admire　you。　youre　never　at　a　loss　for　words：　you　say　exactly　what　you　want　to　say　and　arent　in　the　least　bit　shy。”
〃oh；　youre　wrong　about　that；〃　i　replied。　〃most　of　what　i　say　es　out　very　differently　from　the　way　id　planned。　plus　i　talk　too　much　and　too　long；　and　thats　just　as　bad。”
〃maybe；　but　you　have　the　advantage　that　no　one　can　see　youre　embarrassed。　you　dont　blush　or　go　to　pieces。〃
i　couldnt　help　being　secretly　amused　at　his　words。　however；　since　i　wanted　him　to　go　on　talking　quietly　about　himself；　i　hid　my　laughter；　sat　down　on　a　cushion　on　the　floor；　wrapped　my　arms　around　my　knees　and　gazed　at　him　intently。
im　glad　theres　someone　else　in　this　house　who　flies　into　the　same　rages　as　i　do。
peter　seemed　relieved　that　he　could　criticize　dussel　without　being　afraid　id　tell。　as　for　me；　i　was　pleased　too；　because　i　sensed　a　strong　feeling　of　fellowship；　which　i　only　remember　having　had　with　my　girlfriends。
yours；　anne　
tuesday；　february　15；　1944
the　minor　run…in　with　dussel　had　several　repercussions；　for　which　he　had　only　himself　to　blame。　monday　evening　dussel　came　in　to　see　mother　and　told　her　triumphantly　that　peter　had　asked　him　that　morning　if　hed　slept　well；　and　then　added　how　sorry　he　was　about　what　had　happened　sunday　evening　……　he　hadnt　really　meant　what　hed　said。　dussel　assured　him　he　hadnt　taken　it　to　heart。　so　everything　was　right　as　rain　again。　mother　passed　this　story　on　to　me；　and　i　was　secretly　amazed　that　peter；　whod　been　so　angry　at　dussel；　had　humbled　himself；　despite　all　his　assurances　to　the　contrary。
i　couldnt　refrain　from　sounding　peter　out　on　the　subject；　and　he　instantly　replied　that　dussel　had　been　lying。　you　should　have　seen　peters　face。　i　wish　id　had　a　camera。
indignation；　rage；　indecision；　agitation　and　much　more　crossed　his　face　in　rapid　succession。
that　evening　mr。　van　daan　and　peter　really　told　dussel　off。　but　it　couldnt　have　been　all　that　bad；　since　peter　had　another　dental　appointment　today。
actually；　they　never　wanted　to　speak　to　each　other　again。
wednesday；　february　16；　1944
peter　and　i　hadnt　talked　to　each　other　all　day；　except　for　a　few　meaningless　words。　it　was　too　cold　to　go　up　to　the　attic；　and　anyway；　it　was　margots　birthday。　at　twelve…thirty　he　came　to　look　at　the　presents　and　hung　around　chatting　longer　than　was　strictly　necessary；　something　hed　never　have　done　otherwise。　but　i　got　my　chance　in　the　afternoon。　since　i　felt　like　spoiling　margot　on　her　birthday；　i　went　to　get　the　coffee；　and　after　that　the　potatoes。　when　i　came　to　peters　room；　he　immediately　took　his　papers　off　the　stairs；　and　i　asked　if　i　should　close　the　trapdoor
to　the　attic。
〃sure；〃　he　said；　〃go　ahead。　when　youre　ready　to　e　back　down；　just　knock　and　ill　open　it　for　you。”
i　thanked　him；　went　upstairs　and　spent　at　least　ten　minutes　searching　around　in　the　barrel　for　the　smallest　potatoes。　my　back　started　aching；　and　the　attic　was　cold。
naturally；　i　didnt　bother　to　knock　but　opened　the　trap…door　myself。　but　he　obligingly　got　up　and　took　the　pan　out　of　my　hands。
〃i　did　my　best；　but　i　couldnt　find　any　smaller　ones。”
〃did　you　look　in　the　big　barrel？”
〃yes；　ive　been　through　them　all。”
by　this　time　i　was　at　the　bottom　of　the　stairs；　and　he　examined　the　pan　of　potatoes　he　was　still　holding。　〃oh；　but　these　are　fine；〃　he　said；　and　added；　as　i　took　the　pan　from　him；　〃my　pliments！”
as　he　said　this；　he　gave　me　such　a　warm；　tender　look　that　i　started　glowing　inside。　i　could　tell　he　wanted　to　please　me；　but　since　he　couldnt　make　a　long　plimentary　speech；　he　said　everything　with　his　eyes。　i　understood　him　so　well　and　was　very　grateful。　it　still　makes　me　happy　to　think　back　to　those　words　and　that　look！
when　i　went　downstairs；　mother　said　she　needed　more　potatoes；　this　time　for　dinner；　so　i　volunteered　to　go　back　up。　when　i　entered　peters　room；　i　apologized　for　disturbing　him　again。　as　i　was　going　up　the　stairs；　he　stood　up；　went　over　to　stand　between　the　stairs　and　the　wall；　grabbed　my　arm　and　tried　to　stop　me。
〃ill　go；〃　he　said。　〃i　have　to　go　upstairs　anyway。”
i　replied　that　it　wasnt　really　necessary；　that　i　didnt　have　to　get　only　the　small　ones　this　time。　convinced；　he　let　go　of　my　arm。　on　my　way　back；　he　opened　the　trapdoor　and　once　again　took　the　pan　from　me。　standing　by　the　door；　i　asked；　〃what　are　you　working　on？”
〃french；〃　he　replied。
i　asked　if　i　could　take　a　look　at　his　lessons。　then　i　went　to　wash　my　hands　and　sat　down　across　from　him　on　the　divan。
after　id　explained　some　french　to　him；　we　began　to　talk。　he　told　me　that　after　the　war　he　wanted　to　go　to　the　dutch　east　indies　and　live　on　a　rubber　plantation。　he　talked　about　his　life　at　home；　the　black　market　and　how　he　felt　like　a　worthless　bum。
i　told　him　he　had　a　big　inferiority　plex。　he　talked　about　the　war；　saying　that　russia　and　england　were　bound　to　go　to　war　against　each　other；　and　about　th