《安妮日记》第88章

came　into　my　head　and　making　everyone　laugh。　the　monotony　was　killing　me。　every　string　i　pulled　made　me　more　certain　that　i　never；　ever；　want　to　be　just　a　housewife！
at　twelve　we　finally　ate　breakfast；　but　from　twelve…thirty　to　one…fifteen　we　had　to　strip　pods　again。　when　i　stopped；　i　felt　a　bit　seasick；　and　so　did　the　others。　i　napped　until　four；　still　in　a　daze　because　of　those　wretched　peas。
yours；　anne　
m。　frank
saturday；　july　15；1944
dearest　kitty；
weve　received　a　book　from　the　library　with　the　challenging　title　what　do　you　think　of　the　modern　young　girl？　id　like　to　discuss　this　subject　today。
the　writer　criticizes　〃todays　youth〃　from　head　to　toe；　though　without　dismissing　them　all　as　〃hopeless　cases。〃　on　the　contrary；　she　believes　they　have　it　within　their　power　to　build　a　bigger；　better　and　more　beautiful　world；　but　that　they　occupy　themselves　with　superficial　things；　without　giving　a　thought　to　true　beauty。　in　some　passages　i　had　the　strong　feeling　that　the　writer　was　directing　her　disapproval　at　me；　which　is　why　i　finally　want　to　bare　my　soul　to　you　and　defend　myself　against　this　attack。
i　have　one　outstanding　character　trait　that　must　be　obvious　to　anyone　whos　known　me　for　any　length　of　time：　i　have　a　great　deal　of　self…knowledge。　in　everything　i　do；　i　can　watch　myself　as　if　i　were　a　stranger。　i　can　stand　c　across　from　the　everyday　anne　and；　without　being　biased　or　making　excuses；　watch　what　shes　doing；　both　the　good　and　the　bad。　this　self…awareness　never　leaves　me；　and　every　time　i　open　my　mouth；　i　think；　〃you　should　have　said　that　differently〃　or　〃thats　fine　the　way　it　is。〃　i　condemn　myself　in　so　many　ways　that　im　beginning　to　realize　the　truth　of　fathers　adage：　〃every　child　has　to　raise　itself。〃　parents　can　only　advise　their　children　or　point　them　in　the　right　direction。　ultimately；　people　shape　their　own　characters。　in　addition；　i　face　life　with　an　extraordinary　amount　of　courage。　i　feel　so　strong　and　capable　of　bearing　burdens；　so　young　and　free！　when　i　first　realized　this；　i　was　glad；　because　it　means　i　can　more　easily　withstand　the　blows　life　has　in　store。
but　ive　talked　about　these　things　so　often。　now　id　like　to　turn　to　the　chapter　〃father　and　mother　dont　understand　me。〃　my　parents　have　always　spoiled　me　rotten；　treated　me　kindly；　defended　me　against　the　van　daans　and　done　all　that　parents　can。　and　yet　for　the　longest　time　ive　felt　extremely　lonely；　left　out；　neglected　and　misunderstood。
father　did　everything　he　could　to　curb　my　rebellious　spirit；　but　it　was　no　use。　ive　cured　myself　by　holding　my　behavior　up　to　the　light　and　looking　at　what　i　was　doing　wrong。
why　didnt　father　support　me　in　my　struggle？　why　did　he　fall　short　when　he　tried　to　offer　me　a　helping　hand？　the　answer　is：　he　used　the　wrong　methods。　he　always　talked　to　me　as　if　i　were　a　child　going　through　a　difficult　phase。　it　sounds　crazy；　since　fathers　the　only　one　whos　given　me　a　sense　of　confidence　and　made　me　feel　as　if　im　a　sensible　person。　but　he　overlooked　one　thing：　he　failed　to　see　that　this　struggle　to　triumph　over　my　difficulties　was　more　important　to　me　than　anything　else。
i　didnt　want　to　hear　about　〃typical　adolescent　problems；〃　or　〃other　girls；〃　or　〃youll　grow　out　of　it。〃　i　didnt　want　to　be　treated　the　same　as　all…the…other…girls；　but　as　anne…in…her…own…right；　and　rim　didnt　understand　that。　besides；　i　cant　confide　in　anyone　unless　they　tell　me　a　lot　about　themselves；　and　because　i　know　very　little　about　him；　i　cant　get　on　a　more　intimate　footing。　rim　always　acts　like　the　elderly　father　who　once　had　the　same　fleeting　im…　pulses；　but　who　can　no　longer　relate　to　me　as　a　friend；　no　matter　how　hard　he　tries。　as　a　result；　ive　never　shared　my　outlook　on　life　or　my　long…pondered　theories　with　anyone　but　my　diary　and；　once　in　a　while；　margot。　ive　hid　any…　thing　having　to　do　with　me　from　father；　never　shared　my　ideals　with　him；　deliberately　alienated　myself　from　him。
i　couldnt　have　done　it　any　other　way。　ive　let　myself　be　guided　entirely　by　my　feelings。　it　was　egotistical；　but　ive　done　what　was　best　for　my　own　peace　of　mind。　i　would　lose　that；　plus　the　self…confidence　ive　worked　so　hard　to　achieve；　if　i　were　to　be　subjected　to　criticism　halfway　through　the　job。　it　may　sound　hard…hearted；　but　i　cant　take　criticism　from　rim　either；　because　not　only　do　i　never　share　my　innermost　thoughts　with　him；　but　ive　pushed　him　even　further　away　by　being　irritable。
this　is　a　point　i　think　about　quite　often：　why　is　it　that　rim　annoys　me　so　much　sometimes？　i　can　hardly　bear　to　have　him　tutor　me；　and　his　affection　seems　forced。　i　want　to　be　left　alone；　and　id　rather　he　ignored　me　for　a　while　until　im　more　sure　of　myself　when　im　talking　to　him！　im　still　torn　with　guilt　about　the　mean　letter　i　wrote　him　when　i　was　so　upset。　oh；　its　hard　to　be　strong　and　brave　in　every　way！
。　。　。
still；　this　hasnt　been　my　greatest　disappointment。　no；　i　think　about　peter　much　more　than　i　do　father。　i　know　very　well　that　he　was　my　conquest；　and　not　the　other　way　around。　i　created　an　image　of　him　in　my　mind；　pictured　him　as　a　quiet；　sweet；　sensitive　boy　badly　in　need　of　friendship　and　love！　i　needed　to　pour　out　my　heart　to　a　living　person。　i　wanted　a　friend　who　would　help　me　find　my　way　again。　i　acplished　what　i　set　out　to　do　and　drew　him；　slowly　but　surely；　toward　me。　when　i　finally　got　him　to　be　my　friend；　it　automatically　developed　into　an　intimacy　that；　when　i　think　about　it　now；　seems　outrageous。　we　talked　about　the　most　private　things；　but　we　havent　yet　touched　upon　the　things　closest　to　my　heart。　i　still　cant　make　head　or　tail
of　peter。　is　he　superficial；　or　is　it　shyness　that　holds　him　back；　even　with　me？　but　putting　all　that　aside；　i　made　one　mistake：　i　used　intimacy　to　get　closer　to　him；　and　in　doing　so；　i　ruled　out　other　forms　of　friendship。　he　longs　to　be　loved；　and　i　can　see　hes　beginning　to　like　me　more　with　each　passing　day。　our　time　together　leaves　him　feeling　satisfied；　but　just　makes　me　want　to　start　all　over　again。　i　never　broach　the　subjects　i　long　to　bring　out　into　the　open。　i　forced　peter；　more　than　he　realizes；　to　get　close　to　me；　and　now　hes　holding　on　for　dear　life。　i　honestly　dont　see　any　effective　way　of　sha