《No Country for Old Men》第54章

o　where　my　teeth　was　chatterin。　i　could make　out　the　dipper　and　i　headed　due　west　as　near　as　i　could　make　it　and　i　just　kept goin。　i　passed　a　house　or　two　but　there　wasnt　nobody　around。　it　was　a　battle…zone；　that country。　people　had　just　left　out。　e　daylight　i　laid　up　in　a　patch　of　woods。　what woods　it　was。　that　whole　country　looked　like　a　burn。　just　the　treetrunks　was　all　that was　left。　and　sometime　that　next　night　i　e　to　an　american　position　and　that　was pretty　much　it。　i　thought　after　so　many　years　it　would　go　away。　i　dont　know　why　i thought　that。　then　i　thought　that　maybe　i　could　make　up　for　it　and　i　reckon　thats　what　i have　tried　to　do。
they　sat。　after　a　while　the　old　man　said：　well；　in　all　honesty　i　cant　see　it　bein　all　that bad。　maybe　you　ought　to　ease　up　on　yourself　some。
maybe。　but　you　go　into　battle　its　a　blood　oath　to　look　after　the　men　with　you　and　i　dont know　why　i　didnt。　i　wanted　to。　when　youre　called　on　like　that　you　have　to　make　up your　mind　that　youll　live　with　the　consequences。　but　you　dont　know　what　the consequences　will　be。　you　end　up　layin　a　lot　of　things　at　your　own　door　that　you　didnt plan　on。　if　i　was　supposed　to　die　over　there　doin　what　id　give　my　word　to　do　then　thats what　i　should　of　done。　you　can　tell　it　any　way　you　want　but　thats　the　way　it　is。　i　should of　done　it　and　i　didnt。　and　some　part　of　me　has　never　quit　wishin　i　could　go　back。　and　i cant。　i　didnt　know　you　could　steal　your　own　life。　and　i　didnt　know　that　it　would　bring you　no　more　benefit　than　about　anything　else　you　might　steal。　i　think　i　done　the　best with　it　i　knew　how　but　it　still　wasnt　mine。　it　never　has　been。
the　old　man　sat　for　a　long　time。　he　was　bent　slightly　forward　looking　at　the　floor。　after a　while　he　nodded。　i　think　i　know　where　this　is　goin；　he　said。
yessir。
what　do　you　think　he　would　of　done？
i　know　what　he　would　of　done。
yeah。　i　guess　i　do　too。
hed　of　set　there　till　hell　froze　over　and　then　stayed　a　while　on　the　ice。
do　you　think　that　makes　him　a　better　man　than　you？
yessir。　i　do。
i　might　could　tell　you　some　things　about　him　that　would　change　your　mind。　i　knew　him pretty　good。
well　sir；　i　doubt　that　you　could。　with　all　due　respect。　besides　which　i　doubt　that　you would。
i　aint。　but　then　i　might　say　that　he　lived　in　different　times。　had　jack　of　been　born　fifty years　later　he　might　of　had　a　different　view　of　things。
you　might。　but　nobody　in　this　room　would　believe　it。
yeah；　i　expect　thats　true。　he　looked　up　at　bell。　what　did　you　tell　me　for？
i　think　i　just　needed　to　unload　my　wagon。
you　waited　long　enough　about　doin　it。
yessir。　maybe　i　needed　to　hear　it　myself。　im　not　the　man　of　an　older　time　they　say　i　am。
i　wish　i　was。　im　a　man　of　this　time。
or　maybe　this　was　just　a　practice　run。
maybe。
you　aim　to　tell　her？
yessir；　i　guess　i　do。
well。
what　do　you　think　shell　say？
well；　i　expect　you　might　e　out　of　it　a　little　better　than　what　you　think。
yessir；　bell　said。　i　surely　hope　so。
xs
No　Country　for　Old　MenX
ｄａｕｅｅｎｇｉａｏｕｏａｎｇ
he　said　i　was　bein　hard　on　myself　said　it　was　a　sign　of　old　age。　tryin　to　set　things right。　i　guess　theres　some　truth　to　that。　but　it　aint　the　whole　truth。　i　agreed　with　him that　there　wasnt　a　whole　lot　good　you　could　say　about　old　age　and　he　said　he　knew　one thing　and　i　said　what　is　that。　and　he　said　it　dont　last　long。　i　waited　for　him　to　smile　but he　didnt。　i　said　well；　thats　pretty　cold。　and　he　said　it　was　no　colder　than　what　the　facts called　for。　so　that　was　all　there　was　about　that。　i　knew　what　hed　say　anyways；　bless　his heart。　you　care　about　people　you　try　and　lighten　their　load　for　em。　even　when　its　self…　ordained。　the　other　thing　that　was　on　my　mind　i　never　even　got　around　to　but　i　believe it　to　be　related　because　i　believe　that　whatever　you　do　in　your　life　it　will　get　back　to　you。
if　you　live　long　enough　it　will。　and　i　can　think　of　no　reason　in　the　world　for　that　no…　good　to　of　killed　that　girl。　what　did　she　ever　do　to　him？　the　truth　is　i　never　should　of gone　up　there　in　the　first　place。　now　they　got　that　mexican　up　here　in　huntsville　for killin　that　state　trooper　that　he　shot　him　and　set　his　car　afire　and　him　in　it　and　i　dont believe　he　done　it。　but　thats　what　hes　goin　to　get　the　death　penalty　for。　so　what　is　my obligation　there？　i　think　i　have　sort　of　waited　for　all　of　this　to　go　away　somehow　or another　and　of　course　it　aint。　i　think　i　knew　that　when　it　started。　it　had　that　feel　to　it。
like　i　was　fixin　to　get　drug　into　somethin　where　the　road　back　was　goin　to　be　a　pretty long　one。
when　he　asked　me　why　this　e　up　now　after　so　many　years　i　said　that　it　had　always been　there。　that　i　had　just　ignored　it　for　the　most　part。　but　hes　right；　it　did　e　up。　i think　sometimes　people　would　rather　have　a　bad　answer　about　things　than　no　answer　at all。　when　i　told　it；　well　it　took　a　shape　i　would　not　have　guessed　it　to　have　and　in　that way　he　was　right　too。　it　was　like　a　ballplayer　told　me　one　time　he　said　that　if　he　had some　slight　injury　and　it　bothered　him　a　little　bit；　nagged　at　him；　he　generally　played better。　it　kept　his　mind　focused　on　one　thing　instead　of　a　hundred。　i　can　understand　that。
not　that　it　changes　anything。
i　thought　if　i　lived　my　life　in　the　strictest　way　i　knew　how　then　i　would　not　ever　again have　a　thing　that　would　eat　on　me　thataway。　i　said　that　i　was　twenty…one　years　old　and　i was　entitled　to　one　mistake；　particularly　if　i　could　learn　from　it　and　bee　the　sort　of man　i　had　it　in　my　mind　to　be。　well；　i　was　wrong　about　all　of　that。　now　i　aim　to　quit and　a　good　part　of　it　is　just　knowin　that　i　wont　be　called　on　to　hunt　this　man。　i　reckon hes　a　man。　so　you　could　say　to　me　that　i　aint　changed　a　bit　and　i　dont　know　that　i would　even　have　a　argument　about　that。　thirty…six　years。　thats　a　painful　thing　to　know。
one　other　thing　he　said。　youd　think　a　man　that　had　waited　eighty　some　odd　years　on god　to　e　into　his　life；　well；　youd　think　hed　e。　if　he　didnt　youd　still　have　to figure　that　he　knew　what　he　was　doin。　i　dont　know　what　other　description　of　god　you could　have。　so　what　you　end　up　with　is　that　those　he　has　spoke　to　are　the　ones　that