《Four Years》第11章

xs
Four　YearsXIII
＊＝
i　attempted　to　restore　one　old　friend　of　my　fathers　to　the　practice　of　his　youth；　but　failed　though　he；　unlike　my　father；　had　not　changed　his　belief。　my　father　brought　me　to　dine　with　jack　nettleship　at　wigmore　street；　once　inventor　of　imaginative　designs　and　now　a　painter　of　melodramatic　lions。　at　dinner　i　had　talked　a　great　deal？？too　much；　i　imagine；　for　so　young　a　man；　or　may　be　for　any　man？？and　on　the　way　home　my　father；　who　had　been　plainly　anxious　that　i　should　make　a　good　impression；　was　very　angry。　he　said　i　had　talked　for　effect　and　that　talking　for　effect　was　precisely　what　one　must　never　do；　he　had　always　hated　rhetoric　and　emphasis　and　had　made　me　hate　it；　and　his　anger　plunged　me　into　great　dejection。　i　called　at　nettleships　studio　the　next　day　to　apologise　and　nettleship　opened　the　door　himself　and　received　me　with　enthusiasm。　he　had　explained　to　some　woman　guest　that　i　would　probably　talk　well；　being　an　irishman；　but　the　reality　had　surpassed；　etc。；　etc。　i　was　not　flattered；　though　relieved　at　not　having　to　apologise；　for　i　soon　discovered　that　what　he　really　admired　was　my　volubility；　for　he　himself　was　very　silent。　he　seemed　about　sixty；　had　a　bald　head；　a　grey　beard；　and　a　nose；　as　one　of　my　fathers　friends　used　to　say；　like　an　opera　glass；　and　sipped　cocoa　all　the　afternoon　and　evening　from　an　enormous　tea　cup　that　must　have　been　designed　for　him　alone；　not　caring　how　cold　the　cocoa　grew。　years　before　he　had　been　thrown　from　his　horse　while　hunting　and　broken　his　arm　and；　because　it　had　been　badly　set；　suffered　great　pain　for　along　time。　a　little　whiskey　would　always　stop　the　pain；　and　soon　a　little　became　a　great　deal　and　he　found　himself　a　drunkard；　but　having　signed　his　liberty　away　for　certain　months　he　was　pletely　cured。　he　had　acquired；　however；　the　need　of　some　liquid　which　he　could　sip　constantly。　i　brought　him　an　admiration　settled　in　early　boyhood；　for　my　father　had　always　said；　george　wilson　was　our　born　painter　but　nettleship　our　genius；　and　even　had　he　shown　me　nothing　i　could　care　for；　i　had　admired　him　still　because　my　admiration　was　in　my　bones。　he　showed　me　his　early　designs　and　they；　though　often　badly　drawn；　fulfilled　my　hopes。　something　of　blake　they　certainly　did　show；　but　had　in　place　of　blakes　joyous　intellectual　energy　a　saturnian　passion　and　melancholy。　god　creating　evil
the　death？　like　head　with　a　woman　and　a　tiger　ing　from　the　forehead；　which　rossetti？？or　was　it　browning？？？had　described　as　the　most　sublime　design　of　ancient　or　modern　art　had　been　lost；　but　there　was　another　version　of　the　same　thought　and　other　designs　never　published　or　exhibited。　they　rise　before　me　even　now　in　meditation；　especially　a　blind　titan？like　ghost　floating　with　groping　hands　above　the　treetops。　i　wrote　a　criticism；　and　arranged　for　reproductions　with　the　editor　of　an　art　magazine；　but　after　it　was　written　andaccepted　the　proprietor；　lifting　what　i　considered　an　obsequious　caw　in　the　huxley；　tyndall；　carolus　duran；　bastien？lepage　rookery；　insisted　upon　its　rejection。　nettleship　did　not　mind　its　rejection；　saying；　who　cares　for　such　things　now？　not　ten　people；　but　he　did　mind　my　refusal　to　show　him　what　i　had　written。　though　what　i　had　written　was　all　eulogy；　i　dreaded　his　judgment　for　it　was　my　first　art　criticism。　i　hated　his　big　lion　pictures；　where　he　attempted　an　art　too　much　concerned　with　the　sense　of　touch；　with　the　softness　or　roughness；　the　minutely　observed　irregularity　of　surfaces；　for　his　genius；　and　i　think　he　knew　it。　rossetti　used　to　call　my　pictures　pot？　boilers；　he　said；　but　they　are　all？？all；　and　he　waved　his　arms　to　the　canvases；　symbols。　when　i　wanted　him　to　design　gods　and　angels　and　lost　spirits　once　more；　he　always　came　back　to　the　point；　nobody　would　be　pleased。　everybody　should　have　a　raison　detre　was　one　of　his　phrases。
mrs？？s　articles　are　not　good　but　they　are　her　raison　detre。　i　had　but　little　knowledge　of　art；　for　there　was　little　scholarship　in　the　dublin　art　school；　so　i　overrated　the　quality　of　anything　that　could　be　connected　with　my　general　beliefs　about　the　world。　if　i　had　been　able　to　give　angelical；　or　diabolical　names　to　his　lions　i　might　have　liked　them　also　and　i　think　that　nettleship　himself　would　have　liked　them　better；　and　liking　them　better　have　bee　a　better　painter。　we　had　the　same　kind　of　religious　feeling；　but　i　could　give　a　crude　philosophical　expression　to　mine　while　he　could　only　express　his　in　action　or　with　brush　and　pencil。　he　often　told　me　of　certain　ascetic　ambitions；　very　much　like　my　own；　for　he　had　kept　all　the　moral　ambition　of　youth　with　a　moral　courage　peculiar　to　himself；　as　for　instance？？yeats；　the　other　night　i　was　arrested　by　a　policeman？？was　walking　round　regents　park　barefooted　to　keep　the　flesh　under？？good　sort　of　thing　to　do？？i　was　carrying　my　boots　in　my　hand　and　he　thought　i　was　a　burglar；　and　even　when　i　explained　and　gave　him　half　a　crown；　he　would　not　let　me　go　till　i　had　promised　to　put　on　my　boots　before　i　met　the　next　policeman。
he　was　very　proud　and　shy；　and　i　could　not　imagine　anybody　asking　him　questions；　and　so　i　was　content　to　take　these　stories　as　they　came；　confirmations　of　stories　i　had　heard　in　boyhood。　one　story　in　particular　had　stirred　my　imagination；　for；　ashamed　all　my　boyhood　of　my　lack　of　physical　courage；　i　admired　what　was　beyond　my　imitation。　he　thought　that　any　weakness；　even　a　weakness　of　body；　had　the　character　of　sin；　and　while　at　breakfast　with　his　brother；　with　whom　he　shared　a　room　on　the　third　floor　of　a　corner　house；　he　said　that　his　nerves　were　out　of　order。　presently　he　left　the　table；　and　got　out　through　the　window　and　on　to　a　stone　ledge　that　ran　along　the　wall　under　the　windowsills。　he　sidled　along　the　ledge；　and　turning　the　corner　with　it；　got　in　at　a　different　window　and　returned　to　the　table。　my　nerves；　he　said；　are　better　than　i　thought。
。。
Four　YearsXIV
；
nettleship　said　to　me：　has　edwin　ellis　ever　said　anything　about　the　effect　of　drink　upon　my　genius？　no；　i　answered。　i　ask；　he　said；　because　i　have　always　thought　that　ellis　has　some　strange　medical　insight。　though　i　had　answered　no；　ellis　had　only　a　few　days　before　used　these　word