《Four Years》第15章

or　dulled　with　some　protecting　stupidity。
i　had　now　met　all　those　who　were　to　make　the　nineties　of　the　last　century　tragic　in　the　history　of　literature；　but　as　yet　we　were　all　seemingly　equal；　whether　in　talent　or　in　luck；　and　scarce　even　personalities　to　one　another。　i　remember　saying　one　night　at　the　cheshire　cheese；　when　more　poets　than　usual　had　e；　none　of　us　can　say　who　will　succeed；　or　even　who　has　or　has　not　talent。　the　only　thing　certain　about　us　is　that　we　are　too　many。
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Four　YearsXVI
…。网
i　have　described　what　image？？always　opposite　to　the　natural　self　or　the　natural　world？？wilde；　henley；　morris　copied　or　tried　to　copy；　but　i　have　not　said　if　i　found　an　image　for　myself。　i　know　very　little　about　myself　and　much　less　of　that　anti？self：　probably　the　woman　who　cooks　my　dinner　or　the　woman　who　sweeps　out　my　study　knows　more　than　i。　it　is　perhaps　because　nature　made　me　a　gregarious　man；　going　hither　and　thither　looking　for　conversation；　and　ready　to　deny　from　fear　or　favour　his　dearest　conviction；　that　i　love　proud　and　lonely　images。　when　i　was　a　child　and　went　daily　to　the　sextons　daughter　for　writing　lessons；　i　found　one　poem　in　her　school　reader　that　delighted　me　beyond　all　others：　a　fragment　of　some　metrical　translation　from　aristophanes　wherein　the　birds　sing　scorn　upon　mankind。　in　later　years　my　mind　gave　itself　to　gregarious　shelleys　dream　of　a　young　man；　his　hair　blanched　with　sorrow　studying　philosophy　in　some　lonely　tower；　or　of　his　old　man；　master　of　all　human　knowledge；　hidden　from　human　sight　in　some　shell？strewn　cavern　on　the　mediterranean　shore。　one　passage　above　all　ran　perpetually　in　my　ears？？
some　feign　that　he　is　enoch：　others　dream　he　was　pre？adamite；　and　has　survived　cycles　of　generation　and　of　ruin。　the　sage；　in　truth；　by　dreadful　abstinence；　and　conquering　penance　of　the　mutinous　flesh；　deep　contemplation　and　unwearied　study；　in　years　outstretched　beyond　the　date　of　man；　may　have　attained　to　sovereignty　and　science　over　those　strong　and　secret　things　and　thoughts　which　others　fear　and　know　not。
mahmud　i　would　talk　with　this　old　jew。
hassan　thy　will　is　even　now　made　known　to　him　where　he　dwells　in　a　sea？cavern　mid　the　demonesi；　less　accessible　than　thou　or　god！　he　who　would　question　him　must　sail　alone　at　sunset　where　the　stream　of　ocean　sleeps　around　those　foamless　isles；　when　the　young　moon　is　westering　as　now；　and　evening　airs　wander　upon　the　wave；　and；　when　the　pines　of　that　bee？pasturing　isle；　green　erebinthus；　quench　the　fieryshadow　of　his　gilt　prow　within　the　sapphire　water；　then　must　the　lonely　helmsman　cry　aloud　ahasuerus！　and　the　caverns　round　will　answer　ahasuerus！　if　his　prayer　be　granted；　a　faint　meteor　will　arise；　lighting　him　over　marmora；　and　a　wind　will　rush　out　of　the　sighing　pine？forest；　and　with　the　wind　a　storm　of　harmony　unutterably　sweet；　and　pilot　him　through　the　soft　twilight　to　the　bosphorus：　thence；　at　the　hour　and　place　and　circumstance　fit　for　the　matter　of　their　conference；　the　jew　appears。　few　dare；　and　few　who　dare　win　the　desired　munion。
already　in　dublin；　i　had　been　attracted　to　the　theosophists　because　they　had　affirmed　the　real　existence　of　the　jew；　or　of　his　like；　and；　apart　from　whatever　might　have　been　imagined　by　huxley；　tyndall；　carolus　duran　and　bastien？lepage；　i　saw　nothing　against　his　reality。　presently　having　heard　that　madame　blavatsky　had　arrived　from　france；　or　from　india；　i　thought　it　time　to　look　the　matter　up。　certainly　if　wisdom　existed　anywhere　in　the　world　it　must　be　in　some　such　lonely　mind　admitting　no　duty　to　us；　muning　with　god　only；　conceding　nothing　from　fear　or　favour。　have　not　all　peoples；　while　bound　together　in　a　single　mind　and　taste；　believed　that　such　men　existed　and　paid　them　that　honour；　or　paid　it　to　their　mere　shadow；　which　they　have　refused　to　philanthropists　and　to　men　of　learning？
i　found　madame　blavatsky　in　a　little　house　at　norwood；　with　but；　as　she　said；　three　followers　left？？the　society　of　psychical　research　had　just　reported　on　her　indian　phenomena？？and　as　one　of　the　three　followers　sat　in　an　outer　room　to　keep　out　undesirable　visitors；　i　was　kept　a　long　time　kicking　my　heels。　presently　i　was　admitted　and　found　an　old　woman　in　a　plain　loose　dark　dress：　a　sort　of　old　irish　peasant　woman　with　an　air　of　humour　and　audacious　power。　i　was　still　kept　waiting；　for　she　was　deep　in　conversation　with　a　woman　visitor。
i　strayed　through　folding　doors　into　the　next　room　and　stood；　in　sheer　idleness　of　mind；　looking　at　a　cuckoo　clock。　it　was　certainly　stopped；　for　the　weights　were　off　and　lying　upon　the　ground；　and　yet　as　i　stood　there　the　cuckoo　came　out　and　cuckooed　at　me。　i　interrupted　madame　blavatsky　to　say。　your　clock　has　hooted　me。
it　often　hoots　at　a　stranger；　she　replied。　is　there　a　spirit　in　it？　i　said。　i　do　not　know；　she　said；　i　should　have　to　be　alone　to　know　what　is　in　it。　i　went　back　to　the　clock　and　began　examining　it　and　heard　her　say　do　not　break　my　clock。　i　wondered　if　there　was　some　hidden　mechanism；　and　i　should　have　been　put　out；　i　suppose；　had　i　found　any；　though　henley　had　said　to　me；　of　course　she　gets　up　fraudulent　miracles；　but　a　person　of　genius　has　to　do　something；　sarah　bernhardt　sleeps　in　her　coffin。　presently　the　visitor　went　away　and　madame　blavatsky　explained　that　she　was　a　propagandist　for　womens　rights　who　had　called　to　find　out　why　men　were　so　bad。　what　explanation　did　you　give　her？　i　said。　that　men　were　born　bad　but　women　made　themselves　so；　and　then　she　explained　that　i　had　been　kept　waiting　because　she　had　mistaken　me　for　some　man　whose　name　resembled　mine　and　who　wanted　to　persuade　her　of　the　flatness　of　the　earth。
when　i　next　saw　her　she　had　moved　into　a　house　at　holland　park；　and　some　time　must　have　passed？？probably　i　had　been　in　sligo　where　i　returned　constantly　for　long　visits？？for　she　was　surrounded　by　followers。　she　sat　nightly　before　a　little　table　covered　with　green　baize　and　on　this　green　baize　she　scribbled　constantly　with　a　piece　of　white　chalk。　she　would　scribble　symbols；　sometimes　humorously　applied；　and　sometimes　unintelligible　figures；　but　the　chalk　was　intended　to　mark　down　her　score　when　she　played　patience。　one　saw　in　the　next　room　a　l