《Four Years》第18章

dies；　a　figure　of　romance。　presently　i　was　introduced；　where　or　by　what　man　or　woman　i　do　not　remember。　he　was　macgregor　mathers；　the　author　of　the　kabbalas　unveiled；　&　his　studies　were　two　only？？magic　and　the　theory　of　war；　for　he　believed　himself　a　born　mander　and　all　but　equal　in　wisdom　and　in　power　to　that　old　jew。　he　had　copied　many　manuscripts　on　magic　ceremonial　and　doctrine　in　the　british　museum；　and　was　to　copy　many　more　in　continental　libraries；　and　it　was　through　him　mainly　that　i　began　certain　studies　and　experiences　that　were　to　convince　me　that　images　well　up　before　the　minds　eye　from　a　deeper　source　than　conscious　or　subconscious　memory。　i　believe　that　his　mind　in　those　early　days　did　not　belie　his　face　and　body；　though　in　later　years　it　became　unhinged；　for　he　kept　a　proud　head　amid　great　poverty。　one　that　boxed　with　him　nightly　has　told　me　that　for　many　weeks　he　could　knock　him　down；　though　macgregor　was　the　stronger　man；　and　only　knew　long　after　that　during　those　weeks　macgregor　starved。　with　him　i　met　an　old　white？haired　oxfordshire　clergyman；　the　most　panic？stricken　person　i　have　ever　known；　though　macgregors　introduction　had　been　he　unites　us　to　the　great　adepts　of　antiquity。　this　old　man　took　me　aside　that　he　might　say？？i　hope　you　never　invoke　spirits？？that　is　a　very　dangerous　thing　to　do。　i　am　told　that　even　the　planetary　spirits　turn　upon　us　in　the　end。　i　said；　have　you　ever　seen　an　apparition？　o　yes；　once；　he　said。　i　have　my　alchemical　laboratory　in　a　cellar　under　my　house　where　the　bishop　cannot　see　it。　one　day　i　was　walking　up　&　down　there　when　i　heard　another　footstep　walking　up　and　down　beside　me。　i　turned　and　saw　a　girl　i　had　been　in　love　with　when　i　was　a　young　man；　but　she　died　long　ago。　she　wanted　me　to　kiss　her。
oh　no；　i　would　not　do　that。　why　not？　i　said。　oh；　she　might　have　got　power　over　me。　has　your　alchemical　research　had　any　success？　i　said。　yes；　i　once　made　the　elixir　of　life。　a　french　alchemist　said　it　had　the　right　smell　and　the　right　colour；　（the　alchemist　may　have　been　elephas　levi；　who　visited　england　in　the　sixties；　&　would　have　said　anything）　but　the　first　effect　of　the　elixir　is　that　your　nails　fall　out　and　your　hair　falls　off。　i　was　afraid　that　i　might　have　made　a　mistake　and　that　nothing　else　might　happen；　so　i　put　it　away　on　a　shelf。　i　meant　to　drink　it　when　i　was　an　old　man；　but　when　i　got　it　down　the　other　day　it　had　all　dried　up。
％％。
Four　YearsXIX
i　generalized　a　great　deal　and　was　ashamed　of　it。　i　thought　that　it　was　my　business　in　life　to　bean　artist　and　a　poet；　and　that　there　could　be　no　business　parable　to　that。　i　refused　to　read　books；　and　even　to　meet　people　who　excited　me　to　generalization；　but　all　to　no　purpose。　i　said　my　prayers　much　as　in　childhood；　though　without　the　old　regularity　of　hour　and　place；　and　i　began　to　pray　that　my　imagination　might　somehow　be　rescued　from　abstraction；　and　bee　as　pre？occupied　with　life　as　had　been　the　imagination　of　chaucer。　for　ten　or　twelve　years　more　i　suffered　continual　remorse；　and　only　became　content　when　my　abstractions　had　posed　themselves　into　picture　and　dramatization。　my　very　remorse　helped　to　spoil　my　early　poetry；　giving　it　an　element　of　sentimentality　through　my　refusal　to　permit　it　any　share　of　an　intellect　which　i　considered　impure。　even　in　practical　life　i　only　very　gradually　began　to　use　generalizations；　that　have　since　bee　the　foundation　of　all　i　have　done；　or　shall　do；　in　ireland。　for　all　i　know；　all　men　may　have　been　as　timid；　for　i　am　persuaded　that　our　intellects　at　twenty　contain　all　the　truths　we　shall　ever　find；　but　as　yet　we　do　not　know　truths　that　belong　to　us　from　opinions　caught　up　in　casual　irritation　or　momentary　phantasy。　as　life　goes　on　we　discover　that　certain　thoughts　sustain　us　in　defeat；　or　give　us　victory；　whether　over　ourselves　or　others；　&　it　is　these　thoughts；　tested　by　passion；　that　we　call　convictions。　among　subjective　men　（in　all　those；　that　is；　who　must　spin　a　web　out　of　their　own　bowels）　the　victory　is　an　intellectual　daily　recreation　of　all　that　exterior　fate　snatches　away；　and　so　that　fates　antithesis；　while　what　i　have　called　the　mask　is　an　emotional　antithesis　to　all　that　es　out　of　their　internal　nature。　we　begin　to　live　when　we　have　conceived　life　as　a　tragedy。
．．
Four　YearsXX
｛小｝｛说｝｛网｝
a　conviction　that　the　world　was　now　but　a　bundle　of　fragments　possessed　me　without　ceasing。　i　had　tried　this　conviction　on　the　rhymers；　thereby　plunging　into　greater　silence　an　already　too　silent　evening。　johnson；　i　was　accustomed　to　say；　you　are　the　only　man　i　know　whose　silence　has　beak　&　claw。　i　had　lectured　on　it　to　some　london　irish　society；　and　i　was　to　lecture　upon　it　later　on　in　dublin；　but　i　never　found　but　one　interested　man；　an　official　of　the　primrose　league；　who　was　also　an　active　member　of　the　fenian　brotherhood。　i　am　an　extreme　conservative　apart　from　ireland；　i　have　heard　him　explain；　and　i　have　no　doubt　that　personal　experience　made　him　share　the　sight　of　any　eye　that　saw　the　world　in　fragments。　i　had　been　put　into　a　rage　by　the　followers　of　huxley；　tyndall；　carolus　duran　and　bastien？lepage；　who　not　only　asserted　the　unimportance　of　subject；　whether　in　art　or　literature；　but　the　independence　of　the　arts　from　one　another。　upon　the　other　hand　i　delighted　in　every　age　where　poet　and　artist　confined　themselves　gladly　to　some　inherited　subject　matter　known　to　the　whole　people；　for　i　thought　that　in　man　and　race　alike　there　is　something　called　unity　of　being；　using　that　term　as　dante　used　it　when　he　pared　beauty　in　the　convito　to　a　perfectly　proportioned　human　body。　my　father；　from　whom　i　had　learned　the　term；　preferred　a　parison　to　a　musical　instrument　so　strong　that　if　we　touch　a　string　all　the　strings　murmur　faintly。　there　is　not　more　desire；　he　had　said；　in　lust　than　in　true　love；　but　in　true　love　desire　awakens　pity；　hope；　affection；　admiration；　and；　given　appropriate　circumstance；　every　emotion　possible　to　man。　when　i　began；　however；　to　apply　this　thought　to　the　state　and　to　argue　for　a　law？made　balance　among　trades　and　occupations；　my　father　displayed　at　once　the　violent　free？trader　and　propagandist　of　liberty。　i　thought　that　the　enemy　of