《THE AMBER SPYGLASS》第133章

〃all　right；〃　he　said；　getting　to　his　feet；　holding　his　daemon　close　to　his　breast。　〃then　well　have　to；　one　of　us　will　have　to；　ill　e　to　your　world　and。。。〃
she　knew　what　he　was　going　to　say；　and　she　saw　him　holding　the　beautiful；　healthy　daemon　he　hadnt　even　begun　to　know；　and　she　thought　of　his　mother；　and　she　knew　that　he　was　thinking　of　her；　too。　to　abandon　her　and　live　with　lyra；　even　for　the　few　years　theyd　have　together；　could　he　do　that？　he　might　be　living　with　lyra；　but　she　knew　he　wouldnt　be　able　to　live　with　himself。
〃no；〃　she　cried；　jumping　up　beside　him；　and　kirjava　joined　pantalaimon　on　the　sand　as　boy　and　girl　clung　together　desperately。　〃ill　do　it；　will！　well　e　to　your　world　and　live　there！　it　doesnt　matter　if　we　get　ill；　me　and　pan；　were　strong；　i　bet　we　last　a　good　long　time；　and　there　are　probably　good　doctors　in　your　world；　dr。　malone　would　know！　oh；　lets　do　that！〃
he　was　shaking　his　head；　and　she　saw　the　brilliance　of　tears　on　his　cheeks。
〃dyou　think　i　could　bear　that；　lyra？〃　he　said。　〃dyou　think　i　could　live　happily　watching　you　get　sick　and　ill　and　fade　away　and　then　die；　while　i　was　getting　stronger　and　more　grown…up　day　by　day？　ten　years。。。　thats　nothing。　itd　pass　in　a　flash。　wed　be　in　our　twenties。　its　not　that　far　ahead。　think　of　that；　lyra；　you　and　me　grown　up；　just　preparing　to　do　all　the　things　we　want　to　do；　and　then。。。　it　all　es　to　an　end。　do　you　think　i　could　bear　to　live　on　after　you　died？　oh；　lyra；　id　follow　you　down　to　the　world　of　the　dead　without　thinking　twice　about　it；　just　like　you　followed　roger；　and　that　would　be　two　lives　gone　for　nothing；　my　life　wasted　like　yours。　no；　we　should　spend　our　whole　lifetimes　together；　good；　long；　busy　lives；　and　if　we　cant　spend　them　together；　we。。。　well　have　to　spend　them　apart。〃
biting　her　lip；　she　watched　him　as　he　walked　up　and　down　in　his　distracted　anguish。
he　stopped　and　turned；　and　went　on：　〃dyou　remember　another　thing　he　said；　my　father？　he　said　we　have　to　build　the　republic　of　heaven　where　we　are。　he　said　that　for　us　there　isnt　any　elsewhere。　thats　what　he　meant；　i　can　see　now。　oh；　its　too　bitter。　i　thought　he　just　meant　lord　asriel　and　his　new　world；　but　he　meant　us；　he　meant　you　and　me。　we　have　to　live　in　our　own　worlds。。。〃
〃im　going　to　ask　the　alethiometer；〃　lyra　said。　〃thatll　know！　i　dont　know　why　i　didnt　think　of　it　before。〃
she　sat　down；　wiping　her　cheeks　with　the　palm　of　one　hand　and　reaching　for　the　rucksack　with　the　other。　she　carried　it　everywhere；　when　will　thought　of　her　in　later　years；　it　was　often　with　that　little　bag　over　her　shoulder。　she　tucked　the　hair　behind　her　ears　in　the　swift　movement　he　loved　and　took　out　the　black　velvet　bundle。
〃can　you　see？〃　he　said；　for　although　the　moon　was　bright；　the　symbols　around　the　face　were　very　small。
〃i　know　where　they　all　are；〃　she　said；　〃i　got　it　off　by　heart。　hush　now。。。　〃
she　crossed　her　legs；　pulling　the　skirt　over　them　to　make　a　lap。　will　lay　on　one　elbow　and　watched。　the　bright　moonlight；　reflected　off　the　white　sand；　lit　up　her　face　with　a　radiance　that　seemed　to　draw　out　some　other　radiance　from　inside　her；　her　eyes　glittered；　and　her　expression　was　so　serious　and　absorbed　that　will　could　have　fallen　in　love　with　her　again　if　love　didnt　already　possess　every　fiber　of　his　being。
lyra　took　a　deep　breath　and　began　to　turn　the　wheels。　but　after　only　a　few　moments；　she　stopped　and　turned　the　instrument　around。
〃wrong　place；〃　she　said　briefly；　and　tried　again。
will；　watching；　saw　her　beloved　face　clearly。　and　because　he　knew　it　so　well；　and　hed　studied　her　expression　in　happiness　and　despair　and　hope　and　sorrow；　he　could　tell　that　something　was　wrong；　for　there　was　no　sign　of　the　clear　concentration　she　used　to　sink　into　so　quickly。　instead；　an　unhappy　bewilderment　spread　gradually　over　her：　she　bit　her　lower　lip；　she　blinked　more　and　more；　and　her　eyes　moved　slowly　from　symbol　to　symbol；　almost　at　random；　instead　of　darting　swiftly　and　certainly。
〃i　dont　know；〃　she　said；　shaking　her　head；　〃i　dont　know　whats　happening。。。　i　know　it　so　well；　but　i　cant　seem　to　see　what　it　means。。。〃
she　took　a　deep；　shuddering　breath　and　turned　the　instrument　around。　it　looked　strange　and　awkward　in　her　hands。　pantalaimon；　mouse…formed；　crept　into　her　lap　and　rested　his　black　paws　on　the　crystal；　peering　at　one　symbol　after　another。　lyra　turned　one　wheel；　turned　another；　turned　the　whole　thing　around；　and　then　looked　up　at　will；　stricken。
〃oh；　will；〃　she　cried；　〃i　cant　do　it！　its　left　me！〃
〃hush；〃　he　said；　〃dont　fret。　its　still　there　inside　you；　all　that　knowledge。　just　be　calm　and　let　yourself　find　it。　dont　force　it。　just　sort　of　float　down　to　touch　it。。。〃
she　gulped　and　nodded　and　angrily　brushed　her　wrist　across　her　eyes；　and　took　several　deep　breaths；　but　he　could　see　she　was　too　tense；　and　he　put　his　hands　on　her　shoulders　and　then　felt　her　trembling　and　hugged　her　tight。　she　pulled　back　and　tried　again。　once　more　she　gazed　at　the　symbols；　once　more　she　turned　the　wheels；　but　those　invisible　ladders　of　meaning　down　which　shed　stepped　with　such　ease　and　confidence　werent　there。　she　just　didnt　know　what　any　of　the　symbols　meant。
she　turned　away　and　clung　to　will　and　said　desperately：
〃its　no　good；　i　can　tell；　its　gone　forever；　it　just　came　when　i　needed　it；　for　all　the　things　i　had　to　do；　for　rescuing　roger；　and　then　for　us　two；　and　now　that　its　over；　now　that　everythings　finished；　its　just　left　me。。。　its　gone；　will！　ive　lost　it！　itll　never　e　back！〃
she　sobbed　with　desperate　abandon。　all　he　could　do　was　hold　her。　he　didnt　know　how　to　fort　her；　because　it　was　plain　that　she　was　right。
then　both　the　daemons　bristled　and　looked　up。　will　and　lyra　sensed　it；　too；　and　followed　their　eyes　to　the　sky。　a　light　was　moving　toward　them：　a　light　with　wings。
〃its　the　angel　we　saw；〃　said　pantalaimon；　guessing。
he　guessed　correctly。　as　the　boy　and　the　girl　and　the　two　daemons　watched　her　approach；　xaphania　spread　her　wings　wider　and　glided　down　to　the　sand。　will；　for　all　the　time　hed　spent　in　the　pany　of　balthamos；　wasnt　prepared　for　the　strangeness　of　this　encounter。　he　and　lyra　held　each　others　hands
tightly　as　the　angel　came　toward　them；　wit