《夜与日》第146章

told　you　half；　either。　I’m　no　longer　engaged　to　William　
Rodney。　He　is　to　marry　Cassandra　Otway。　It’s　all　arranged—　
all　perfectly　right…　。　And　after　he’d　waited　in　the　streets　
for　hours　and　hours；　William　made　me　bring　him　in。　He　
was　standing　under　the　lamppost　watching　our　windows。　
He　was　perfectly　white　when　he　came　into　the　room。　
William　left　us　alone；　and　we　sat　and　talked。　It　seems　
ages　and　ages　ago；　now。　Was　it　last　night？　Have　I　been　
out　long？　What’s　the　time？”　She　sprang　forward　to　catch　
sight　of　a　clock；　as　if　the　exact　time　had　some　important　
bearing　on　her　case。　
“Only　halfpast　eight！”　she　exclaimed。　“Then　he　may　be　
there　still。”　She　leant　out　of　the　window　and　told　the　
cabman　to　drive　faster。　
“But　if　he’s　not　there；　what　shall　I　do？　Where　could　I　
find　him？　The　streets　are　so　crowded。”　
“We　shall　find　him；”　Mary　repeated。　
Mary　had　no　doubt　but　that　somehow　or　other　they　would　
find　him。　But　suppose　they　did　find　him？　She　began　to　
think　of　Ralph　with　a　sort　of　strangeness；　in　her　effort　to　
understand　how　he　could　be　capable　of　satisfying　this　extraordinary　
desire。　Once　more　she　thought　herself　back　to　
her　old　view　of　him　and　could；　with　an　effort；　recall　the　
haze　which　surrounded　his　figure；　and　the　sense　of　confused；　
heightened　exhilaration　which　lay　all　about　his　neighborhood；　
so　that　for　months　at　a　time　she　had　never　exactly　
heard　his　voice　or　seen　his　face—or　so　it　now　seemed　
to　her。　The　pain　of　her　loss　shot　through　her。　Nothing　
would　ever　make　up—not　success；　or　happiness；　or　oblivion。　
But　this　pang　was　immediately　followed　by　the　assurance　
that　now；　at　any　rate；　she　knew　the　truth；　and　Katharine；　
she　thought；　stealing　a　look　at　her；　did　not　know　the　truth；　
yes；　Katharine　was　immensely　to　be　pitied。　
The　cab；　which　had　been　caught　in　the　traffic；　was　now　
liberated　and　sped　on　down　Sloane　Street。　Mary　was　con
392　
Virginia　Woolf　
scious　of　the　tension　with　which　Katharine　marked　its　
progress；　as　if　her　mind　were　fixed　upon　a　point　in　front　
of　them；　and　marked；　second　by　second；　their　approach　
to　it。　She　said　nothing；　and　in　silence　Mary　began　to　fix　
her　mind；　in　sympathy　at　first；　and　later　in　forgetfulness　
of　her　panion；　upon　a　point　in　front　of　them。　She　
imagined　a　point　distant　as　a　low　star　upon　the　horizon　
of　the　dark。　There　for　her　too；　for　them　both；　was　the　
goal　for　which　they　were　striving；　and　the　end　for　the　
ardors　of　their　spirits　was　the　same：　but　where　it　was；　or　
what　it　was；　or　why　she　felt　convinced　that　they　were　
united　in　search　of　it；　as　they　drove　swiftly　down　the　
streets　of　London　side　by　side；　she　could　not　have　said。　
“At　last；”　Katharine　breathed；　as　the　cab　drew　up　at　the　
door。　She　jumped　out　and　scanned　the　pavement　on　either　
side。　Mary；　meanwhile；　rang　the　bell。　The　door　opened　
as　Katharine　assured　herself　that　no　one　of　the　people　
within　view　had　any　likeness　to　Ralph。　On　seeing　her；　the　
maid　said　at　once：　
“Mr。　Denham　called　again；　miss。　He　has　been　waiting　
for　you　for　some　time。”　
Katharine　vanished　from　Mary’s　sight。　The　door　shut　
between　them；　and　Mary　walked　slowly　and　thoughtfully　
up　the　street　alone。　
Katharine　turned　at　once　to　the　diningroom。　But　with　
her　fingers　upon　the　handle；　she　held　back。　Perhaps　she　
realized　that　this　was　a　moment　which　would　never　e　
again。　Perhaps；　for　a　second；　it　seemed　to　her　that　no　
reality　could　equal　the　imagination　she　had　formed。　Perhaps　
she　was　restrained　by　some　vague　fear　or　anticipation；　
which　made　her　dread　any　exchange　or　interruption。　
But　if　these　doubts　and　fears　or　this　supreme　bliss　
restrained　her；　it　was　only　for　a　moment。　In　another　second　
she　had　turned　the　handle　and；　biting　her　lip　to　
control　herself；　she　opened　the　door　upon　Ralph　Denham。　
An　extraordinary　clearness　of　sight　seemed　to　possess　
her　on　beholding　him。　So　little；　so　single；　so　separate　
from　all　else　he　appeared；　who　had　been　the　cause　of　
these　extreme　agitations　and　aspirations。　She　could　have　
laughed　in　his　face。　But；　gaining　upon　this　clearness　of　
sight　against　her　will；　and　to　her　dislike；　was　a　flood　of　
confusion；　of　relief；　of　certainty；　of　humility；　of　desire　no　
393　
Night　and　Day　
longer　to　strive　and　to　discriminate；　yielding　to　which；　
she　let　herself　sink　within　his　arms　and　confessed　her　
love。　
CHAPTER　XXXII　
Nobody　asked　Katharine　any　questions　next　day。　If　cross
examined　she　might　have　said　that　nobody　spoke　to　her。　
She　worked　a　little；　wrote　a　little；　ordered　the　dinner；　and　
sat；　for　longer　than　she　knew；　with　her　head　on　her　hand　
piercing　whatever　lay　before　her；　whether　it　was　a　letter　
or　a　dictionary；　as　if　it　were　a　film　upon　the　deep　prospects　
that　revealed　themselves　to　her　kindling　and　brooding　
eyes。　She　rose　once；　and　going　to　the　bookcase；　took　
out　her　father’s　Greek　dictionary　and　spread　the　sacred　
pages　of　symbols　and　figures　before　her。　She　smoothed　
the　sheets　with　a　mixture　of　affectionate　amusement　and　
hope。　Would　other　eyes　look　on　them　with　her　one　day？　
The　thought；　long　intolerable；　was　now　just　bearable。　
She　was　quite　unaware　of　the　anxiety　with　which　her　
movements　were　watched　and　her　expression　scanned。　
Cassandra　was　careful　not　to　be　caught　looking　at　her；　
and　their　conversation　was　so　prosaic　that　were　it　not　for　
certain　jolts　and　jerks　between　the　sentences；　as　if　the　
mind　were　kept　with　difficulty　to　the　rails；　Mrs。　Milvain　
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Virginia　Woolf　
herself　could　have　detected　nothing　of　a　suspicious　nature　
in　what　she　overheard。　
William；　when　he　came　in　late　that　afternoon　and　found　
Cassandra　alone；　had　a　very　serious　piece　of　news　to　impart。　
He　had　just　passed　Katharine　in　the　street　and　she　
had　failed　to　recognize　him。　
“That　doesn’t　matter　with　me；　of　course；　but　suppose　it　
happened　with　somebody　else？　What　would　they　think？　
They　would　suspect　something　merely　from　her　expression。　
She　looked—she　looked”—he　hesitated—”like　some　
one　walking　in　her　sleep。”　
To　Cassandra　the　significant　thing　was　that　Katharine　
had　gone　out　wi